11 DISCUSSIONS TO HAVE BEFORE COMMITTING
Too many of us jump from dating (i.e. hanging out and having sex) to relationships without much discussion. We know we like their face and their sexual organs and that’s about as far as we get in the evaluation process.
While there are important things to know about someone before dating them, there are topics that need to be discussed as you transition to a committed relationship. Being up front and honest in the beginning is better than surprising your partner later in the relationship.
While past sexual encounters may not be your partner’s business, there are things that they deserve to know. Just like you deserve to know some specifics about them. Exploring these topics may be helpful in your committed relationship.
1. YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS
After the election of 2021, many marriages failed due to differing political views. 47% of millennials won’t date someone who doesn’t share their political views. It is important to recognize political views can be influenced by family, upbringing and education. It is not your job to change your potential partner’s political views, but either accept or reject their views. If you are pro-choice or support same-sex-marriage, you don’t want to spend your life arguing about these different political opinions.
2. YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR EXES
You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship with any of your exes. In fact, many people don’t’ stay friends with exes, so it’s unlikely your new partner will judge if you don’t maintain this relationship. But if it ended badly and resulted in protection orders or other legal issues, it may be important to share with a new partner. On the other hand, if you have remained good friends with an ex, it will be important to share this as well. You would want to know if they maintained this past relationship, so fair is fair.
3. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY
Even if you are not getting married or moving in together, your partner should know your thoughts about money. Money is a sensitive subject. People who view money as disposable and never-ending, will clash with individuals who are frugal. While this isn’t a dealbreaker, it’s important to be aware of how you both feel about money. If the relationship progresses further, it would be nice to have had this conversation.
4. YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE
While this may not be about sharing long-term plans, it will be important to share short-term plans. If you have every intention of moving to a different state or joining the Peace Corps in the next few months, this is something you should share with your partner. It would be unfair to you both if you start a relationship, it is fabulous, and one of you leaves.
5. YOUR EMPLOYMENT STATUS
If you are unemployed or between jobs, this is something you should share. While there is nothing wrong with being unemployed, if you are going to be with a partner and have the expectation that they will be paying for the bulk of things until you find employment, they will need to know.
6. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY
No family is without drama. But if you have a family where things are always crazy and you are getting sucked into the drama while picking the pieces of sibling’s most recent escapades, then you should consider letting your partner know. If there is a part of your life that can occasionally interfere with your relationship, it is important to share this information.
7. YOUR EXPECTATIONS
When we make the jump from dating to relationship, we often leave out what our expectations for the relationship are. You can’t go blindly into a relationship, hoping for the best, without letting your partner know what you want for yourself, for them, and for the relationship as a whole. This includes expectations you may have about who is going to do the chores, who will work or not work, who will pay the bills, who will take care of the kids, how much time will be spent with friends and hobbies.
8. YOUR NEED (OR NOT) FOR ALONE TIME
While there are those who need ample time alone, there are others who don’t. It is important to discuss whether you value independence or togetherness. While this isn’t a dealbreaker, this is something that both partners need to compromise on.
9. YOUR LEVEL OF JEALOUSY
While a bit of jealousy may be okay, obsessive jealousy, on the other hand, is not. This can lead to a slew of arguments. While you may be in denial about how jealous you can get, it is important to self-evaluate your level of insecurity and anxiousness when it comes to relationships. If you are going to get jealous whenever your partner goes out with friends, or anyone else for that matter, they need to know.
10. YOUR NEED FOR PRIVACY
When some people get into relationships, they suddenly hand over their passwords to their email, Twitter, Facebook and phone. While others enjoy keeping things very private and wouldn’t have it any other way. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean your need for privacy goes out the window. So this is something to make clear.
11. YOUR VIEWS ON MONOGAMY
If you think your partner liking an ex’s Facebook photo is cheating – and some people do – and your partner doesn’t see the harm, then arguments are bound to happen. Similar to how everyone defines cheating differently. Are you monogamous? Non-monogamous? If you’re in an open relationship, what types of sexual behaviors are permissible? What is not allowed? There are a ton of possibilities when it comes to relationship styles. Cover this topic BEFORE you commit so you know you are both on the same page.
Couples therapy can be a safe place to have theses difficult conversations.