SEXUAL ADDICTION THERAPY
“It’s impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the additive behavior.”
–Dr. Gabor Maté
ADDICTION IS A SPECIAL KIND OF HELL. IT TAKES THE SOUL OF AN INDIVIDUAL AND BREAKS THE HEARTS OF EVERYONE WHO LOVES THEM.
When an individual struggles with an addictive or pervasive pattern of behaviors, it can be incredibly frustrating to feel so out of control. You may think to yourself, “I just need to try harder,” as if willpower is the solution.
This thought can magnify any shame you may feel about the idea that you just need to try harder, do more meditation, read more books, listen to more podcasts, and white knuckle it a little bit harder.
I’ll tell you what though, those things aren’t terrible ideas, but they aren’t enough when we are dealing with a behavior that is actually serving the purpose of regulating our internal systems.
AT THE ROOT OF ADDICTION IS DYSREGULATION.
“Feeling out of control is different than being out of control.” Marty Klein
If we look at how our early life experiences often contribute to us feeling disconnected from ourselves, we can see why we may fall into a pattern of wanting to feel more regulated internally.
The nervous system is hardwired to maintain homeostasis at any cost. When the brain is doing its darndest to operate from the frontal lobe (where logic prevails), there is often a disconnect between our goals and our emotions.
In these situations, the most efficient way to reduce these physical sensations is to engage in coping responses that are effective in the moment - but may cause a negative impact in other areas of our lives. This includes everything from sugar, caffeine, smoking, drinking, shopping, gambling, or masturbating. This is an automated response and often done from our unconscious.
“Addiction is any behavior that gives you temporary relief, temporary pleasure, but in the long-term causes harm, has some negative consequences and you can’t give it up, despite those negative consequences.” Dr. Gabor Maté.
There are many physical benefits to sexual intercourse. However, sexual behavior can become problematic if it is creating issues in an individual’s life. When an individual is causing physical harm to themselves due to excessive masturbation, it is important to determine what compulsion may be driving this behavior. When sexual boundaries are pushed, loved ones may distance themselves, leaving an individual feeling isolated and alone. If your partner has a moral incongruence with your sexual behaviors, it will be important to determine what is genuine and authentic for you.
Sexual addiction therapy will explore one part of your sexual life. We also need to explore what healthy sexuality means for you. Also, it is critical to explore what the problematic sexual behavior is doing for you because if you look at your behaviors with more self-compassion you may find a purpose to the behavior.
“It’s hard for us to accept that other people’s most intimate desires are different than our own - and when confronted with this fact, we often dismiss their desires as deviant or dangerous or just plain hurtful.” Ogas & Gaddam
Just like all behaviors that cause negative outcomes in our lives, there comes a point when we hit rock bottom. This may look like getting tired of our self-talk and excuses.
We may get tired of the secrets we keep and the distance we maintain from family and friends. We may just feel incredibly alone and depressed. Where do you turn to?
ALCOHOL ADDICTION ISN’T ABOUT ALCOHOL. DRUG ADDICTION ISN’T ABOUT DRUGS. SEX ADDICTION ISN’T ABOUT SEX. IT’S ABOUT NUMBING A PAIN. WE DON’T OVERCOME ADDICTION WITH SHAME; WE OVERCOME ADDICTION WITH LOVE. SHAME PUSHES PEOPLE DEEPER IN. UNDERSTANDING AND CONNECTING LIFTS THEM OUT.
Therapy can be a safe place to share your burdens. It’s easy to think your problematic sexual behaviors will be judged and you will be further shamed. However, if you want a different life, it may be time to start developing more compassion for yourself. And it starts with overcoming your fear of being vulnerable and letting someone help.
Our behavioral patterns and body sensations tell us something about our internal world. Therapy is a place to explore what is happening inside of ourselves.
“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.” Gabor Maté
If you are ready to discover a deeper understanding over your problematic sexual thoughts or behaviors, call or text me at (720) 629-2729 to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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