The Power Balance in Relationships: Codependency and Control
Whether we recognize it or not, every relationship—romantic or otherwise—contains an element of power balance. Consciously or subconsciously, we all seek to have our needs met, sometimes even striving to gain the upper hand in the dynamic. As social beings, we engage in relationships that fulfill different aspects of our lives, from close friendships and family ties to romantic partnerships and wider social connections. Ideally, these relationships involve mutual give-and-take, where both individuals maintain autonomy and a sense of purpose.
When Relationships Become Imbalanced
Problems arise when the power balance becomes skewed—when one person gives too much while receiving little to nothing in return. Conversely, some people accept this imbalance as normal, either out of conditioning or emotional necessity. This dynamic is often seen in dysfunctional relationships, particularly in what is commonly referred to as the narcissist-codependent dance.
We’ve all encountered individuals who continuously take without reciprocating, as well as those who never say no, always putting others first but struggling to find true happiness. These are clear examples of relationships that are out of balance.
Codependent Relationships: A Dysfunctional Fit
Codependents are often drawn to partners who are self-centered or emotionally unavailable. Conditioned to give and sacrifice, they naturally gravitate toward those who take without hesitation. The more codependent a person is, the more likely they are to attract a partner who thrives on receiving. This creates a perfect dysfunctional fit—one person overly focused on giving, the other accustomed to taking.
Interestingly, some codependents reject potential partners who offer a healthy balance of giving and receiving. They are uncomfortable with mutual reciprocity and prefer to chase after love, believing they must earn affection through sacrifice and control.
When Two Codependents Enter a Relationship
While it’s more common for codependents to pair with self-centered or avoidant partners, there are cases where two codependents enter a relationship. Initially, they may not realize their similarities, but as the relationship progresses, both individuals struggle to maintain control by out-giving one another. This leads to frustration, as neither feels truly seen or appreciated.
Since codependency is rooted in control, the inability to maintain that control can be devastating. Each partner expects their sacrifice to be acknowledged and reciprocated, but when both are vying for the same role, tension builds. Eventually, one partner typically becomes counter-dependent—pulling away emotionally and sometimes physically to resist the other’s control. The remaining partner, now in the role of pursuer, becomes even more desperate to regain influence over the relationship. This cycle of push and pull leaves both individuals emotionally drained and uncertain about the relationship’s future.
Why Codependents Are Drawn to Emotionally Distant Partners
One of the most perplexing aspects of codependency is the tendency to seek out emotionally unavailable, distant, or even narcissistic partners. While this may seem counterintuitive, it makes sense when viewed through the lens of control. A codependent individual may prefer an emotionally distant partner because, even though they receive little in return, they at least control what they give.
Codependents often struggle with receiving love and care unless they feel they have earned it. They may justify any affection they receive as a reward for their efforts rather than something they inherently deserve. Additionally, they frequently operate within the drama triangle—cycling through roles of rescuer, victim, and persecutor—to maintain a sense of control over their relationships. This dynamic often pushes healthy partners away while attracting those willing to exploit their giving nature.
The Inevitable Breakdown of Codependent Relationships
When two codependents enter a relationship, the power struggle to determine who sacrifices the most is unlikely to result in a stable, lasting connection. Codependency operates on a continuum, shifting between extreme giving (co-dependency) and extreme withdrawal (counter-dependency). Two codependents competing for control through self-sacrifice often create a relationship that is unsustainable.
Since codependents thrive in push-pull dynamics rather than equal partnerships, a relationship between two of them lacks the familiar emotional friction they unconsciously seek. Without a distant or self-centered partner to chase, one or both individuals may begin to feel disconnected from their usual role, leading to frustration and, ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing Before Entering a Relationship
In my experience working with codependents, I often see individuals in one of two situations:
They are newly out of a relationship, vowing never to date again after repeated cycles of dysfunction.
They are still in an unhealthy relationship, slowly realizing their partner is not right for them but struggling to leave.
For those out of a relationship, my advice is always the same: do not date until you are healthy enough to break the cycle. Without addressing the underlying issues, the pattern will repeat itself with the next partner.
For those still in a relationship, the most challenging step is deciding whether to stay or leave. Codependents tend to remain in dysfunctional relationships far longer than they should, holding on to the hope that they can change their partner or earn the love they crave.
Why Codependents Struggle to Leave Emotionally Distant Partners
Interestingly, codependents often find it easier to leave another codependent than to leave an emotionally distant or self-centered partner. This mirrors childhood experiences where they either had to fight for validation and attention or were enmeshed with an overprotective parent. These early relationship patterns shape their adult attachments, making it difficult to break free from familiar dysfunction.
Healing from codependency requires working through these deeply ingrained patterns, a process that is best undertaken outside of the demands of a romantic relationship. Therapy, self-reflection, and developing a strong sense of self-worth are crucial steps in breaking free from the cycle.
Moving Forward: Learning to Embrace Healthy Relationships
The path to healing involves learning to recognize and accept healthy, reciprocal love. This means being comfortable with both giving and receiving—without feeling the need to control, chase, or prove worth through sacrifice.
By understanding the dynamics of power and control in relationships, codependents can break free from unhealthy cycles and move toward relationships built on mutual respect, autonomy, and emotional balance. The work may be challenging, but the reward is the possibility of experiencing love in its healthiest form—free from the weight of control and imbalance.