INFIDELITY COUNSELING

YOU KNOW. YOU JUST HAVE A FEELING.

Your partner is not responding as quickly as they used to. They seem uninterested in you. They hide their phone, so you cannot see who keeps texting. They stay at work later than normal.

Then one day, it happens.

You find the proof. Maybe it was coincidental. You glanced at their phone at just that moment and discovered the text message. Or maybe, you took matters into your own hands and waited until they were in the bathroom and went scrolling through

their phone. At that moment, you are feeling so out of control and desperate to reduce the inner dialogue that screams at you that something is wrong.

You think, if only you had proof, then maybe the inner turmoil would distinguish. But, alas, on that day you find evidence, your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach. Your entire body flushes with shame and embarrassment. All your senses become numb to what you are seeing. So, you have your evidence, but now what?

YOU’RE SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL.

You realize you do not truly know the person you have committed your life to. You are filled with rage, and when you confront your partner, you act completely unhinged.

Every negative thought you ever thought about yourself comes to the surface. If only you were enough, your partner would not have sought relations elsewhere. You knew you gained weight, lost interests and passions, stopped going to the gym, changed who you were to be with them.

You tell your family. They are disappointed in your partner and now have a strained relationship with them. You tell your friends. They say you have to “have some self-respect” and leave them. This only adds to your shame because you have so much history and time spent in this relationship. You want to work through the betrayal. Your partner is tired of talking about how they hurt you and are struggling to understand why you cannot forgive them and move on. You are lost and confused and do not understand how to “let go.”

Eventually, numbness creeps in, and you are going through the motions of being in a relationship. You wonder if you will ever forgive because while some days are good, some days your partner tells you they are working late. Your thoughts immediately think of ways to key their car, flatten their tires, and throw every article of their clothing onto the front yard. Then turn on the sprinklers.

INFIDELITY IS A BOMBSHELL OF BETRAYAL.

And it can be an amazing opportunity to rebuild a relationship with your partner that is stronger, honest, and more open.

In therapy, we will collaborate on ways to help you re-establish your sense of self within the relationship. We will increase your self-esteem and self-worth. If your partner is open to therapy, we will

explore why they felt they have struggled with feeling safe within the relationship to express whatever needs they were seeking in someone else. And we will find ways to help you forgive your partner and let go of the bitterness.

Imagine a relationship where you and your partner enjoy one another in a way that you may never have. The new relationship where you are free to feel genuine and authentic with your partner. More importantly, you have a stronger sense of self. You are enjoying your life in a way you never have because you know what you want out of life. You feel safe enough to share every dream and goal and feel supported by your partner. Likewise, you know your partner’s dreams and goals. Together, you are building the life you have both always wanted.

IT’S COMMON TO ASK FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

But a problem arises when their advice doesn’t align with how we perceive our partners. Your friends don’t remember when you were sick, and your partner fed you chicken noodle soup. Your family wasn’t there for you when you got that promotion at work, and your partner celebrated your success by taking you to a fancy dinner. It was your partner with you when your child experienced fear, loss, or tragedy. These are the moments that no one else has experienced with your partner.

And have you ever noticed how easy it is for your friends or family to encourage you to walk away from a relationship? When you are encouraged to walk away, it adds a layer of guilt or shame to the betrayal you were already feeling. It leaves you feeling alone and misunderstood.

Or those around you might make you feel ashamed for staying in the relationship: “If you valued yourself more, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

The result? We usually decide to go it alone… rather than feeling shitty for not following their advice.

UNSURE OF HOW TO PROCEED IN THE RELATIONSHIP? THERAPY IS A GREAT PLACE TO START.

When couples counseling is done right, there are no sides. So here’s our only goal:

We’ll determine what kind of relationship you want and work to remove what’s getting in the way of your having it.

Effective communication…

Common communication breakdowns include:

not listening to your partner, speaking before you formulated thoughts, only focusing on the issues you want to talk about, raising your voice, negative non-verbal communication, speaking in superlatives, degrading your partner, or playing the blame game.

Combine all the opportunities for communication to go awry with our baggage from previous relationships, our distorted thought processes, and the ways we learned about communication from our parents, and we have the most amazing opportunity to be misunderstood and frustrated beyond belief.

Repairing the damage…

Whenever we pull away from or push our partners away, we cause damage to the relationship. Often, these are micro-tears to the fabric of a relationship until there are only shreds of the fabric left. Then, one day, we have the proverbial “straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

John Gottman, a psychological researcher who has done extensive research on divorce prediction and marital stability, refers to the indicators of divorce as the Four Horsemen.

The four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

If these behaviors are present within your relationship, couples therapy can be an effective tool. It’ll help you manage and reduce the prevalence in which these behaviors show up in your relationship. This can help you lean into your relationship, which is the ultimate goal of repairing the relationship.

Deciding whether to continue the relationship…

There will not be any pressure or judgment, no matter what decisions you make.

After working together, you may decide to continue the relationship. If you do, you’ll NOT feel shamed about your decision to stay with your partner. In the therapeutic setting, we will continue building effective communication skills, repair any damage done in the relationship, and help you learn skills for conflict resolution.

If you decide you no longer want to be in this relationship, we will discuss ways to navigate separation in a healthy and productive ways. If requested, I will provide referrals to each partner to process the pain and loss of the relationship individually.

Within your couple’s counseling session, we will discuss what you learned about relationships from watching your parent’s relationships. We will discuss different ways you communicate within the relationships that are prevalent in your life. We will determine if you have brought baggage into this relationship and ways to navigate through it. We will discuss how you manage your emotions and help you determine if you avoid the feelings or process the emotions in healthy ways.

I recommend reading the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Within the book, there are questions to help you repair your relationship through a series of questions on helping you to connect with your partner’s worldview.

We will use Gottman’s conflict resolution guide to engage in a step-by-step practice of resolving conflict and understanding your partner’s feelings. The goal is to understand your partner and to be understood by your partner. There is no right or wrong here.

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” –Suzy Kassem

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE BY REACHING OUT?

There is no guarantee that couples counseling will ensure your relationship is successful. But when we work together, I can guarantee you that each of you will feel heard and understood. You will be more skilled at recognizing your thought patterns and learn how to communicate to your partner about your needs effectively.

If you are ready to start working on effective solutions with your partner and start creating the relationship of your dreams, call or text me at (720) 629-2729 for a free 15-minute consultation.

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