5 MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
Being hurt is an inevitable part of living in a broken world with broken people. Maybe our spouse disappointed us, our friend rejected us, our boss underappreciates us, or our family members mistreated us. Whatever the situation, when these injuries occur, it’s natural to feel frustrated, angry and even vengeful. We sometimes get fixated on replaying the offense over and over. We may tell ourselves it isn’t a big deal or try to ignore it. We may imagine how we could have said something different or wish we had done something else. We judge the person who caused us harm, wishing they could understand our pain. We share our perspective with friends and family so they can also judge this person harshly. Even though we know we ought to forgive, it’s often the last thing we want to do. To compound the issue of forgiveness, cultural views make forgiveness appear to be an oppressive obligation as opposed to a transformational opportunity. Here are five common misconceptions that keep us trapped in an emotionally draining state of unforgiveness.
1. FORGIVENESS IS UNNECESSARY
When forgiveness is brought up, the common response is, “Why should I forgive? They are the one’s that did something wrong!” It can seem unjust that the “victim” is the one who has to do the work of forgiving, right? However, even more unfair are the physical, emotional, and spiritual costs of living with unforgiveness in addition to the pain of the initial offense.
There is an increasing amount of research that describes the many negative effects of chronic anger and resentment. For example, one study found that people who only forgive conditionally (only after the offender is sorry for what they have done) are more likely to die sooner than people who practice unconditional forgiveness (Toussaint, Owen, And Cheadle, 2011). Another study found that unforgiveness can produce a higher activation in your fight-or-flight system, which has negative effects on a person’s sleep quality (Lawler et al., 2005), memory (Toussaint et al., 2014), and immune response (Harrison, 2011). Additionally, holding onto a grudge has been shown to increase the risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, and chronic fatigue (Lawler et al., 2003).
2. FORGIVENESS IS APPROVAL
Remember when you were a child and someone hurt your feelings? Do you remember your teacher or parent pulling you aside and forcing an interaction where the offender apologized, to which it was expected that you accept this apology? It didn’t matter that the interaction wasn’t genuine, only that the conversation had ended and both parties could move on.
This is not forgiveness. It is rarely this simple or easy. What if the other person doesn’t really understand what they have done wrong? What if the other person fails to see how their actions have affected you? You think that by forgiving them, it means they will think you approve of what they have done.
The reality is that forgiveness is not approval. This means that when you forgive, you are really releasing the other person from your right to judge them and hurt them from afar. While it is true that when you forgive you are setting the other person free, it’s ironic that the person you’re really setting free is yourself. Not forgiving is an emotional boulder that you carry around, waiting for the right moment to hurl it at the person you resent. However, while you are dragging this extra weight around, it's draining you of your vitality and joy. Therefore, when you “release” someone, you are really releasing yourself from the bondage of bitterness.
3. FORGIVENESS IS FORGETTING
“Forgive and forget” is often said, as though forgiving means that we need to “forget about it.” However, forgiveness is not selective amnesia. Many people try to forget by minimizing, avoiding or numbing their pain. These attempts come in many forms, including using substances to relax, pretending that everything is fine, or keeping yourself busy with work or entertainment. Doing this is like having a physical wound, but ignoring it and not slowing down or addressing it. This only leads to more damage and pain.
The truth is that recalling the hurt is an essential step to healing it. it is not possible to forgive someone for something that you are not acknowledging. Therefore, in order to forgive, it is imperative not to forget. Rather, it would be important to take time to remember what happened and reflect on the experience. As yourself the following questions:
· What, specifically, did the person do that bothered/hurt me?
· What did their actions or words mean to me? What thoughts did it trigger for me? Are there other possible ways to think about what happened?
· How did I feel as a result? When naming the feeling, try to identify the softer emotions (i.e. hurt, afraid, ashamed, etc.), underneath the harder emotions (i.e. anger, frustration, etc.).
Then, when you are ready to take the big step toward the forgiveness process, you begin to cultivate compassion for the offender. A principle in recovery that helps us develop compassion for others is based on the ideology, “hurt people hurt people.” If someone acts in a hurtful way towards you, they probably have some deficit or pain in their own lives because healthy, whole, happy people aren’t usually intentionally hurtful.
4. FORGIVENESS IS RECONCILIATION
Another fear people often experience when considering forgiveness is having to be in a relationship with the offender again. This creates a fear that if they forgive someone, then it will mean they have to be friends with this person again, and therefore return to how things were before. This common misunderstanding confuses forgiveness with reconciliation.
Sometimes, the person that hurt us is truly an unsafe person and should not be trusted. Trusting an untrustworthy person would only make you open to further abuse or injury, which would be foolish for you and enabling for the offender. Forgiving someone does not mean automatically trusting them again. Trust is something that must be earned back.
Remember, forgiveness is an altruistic choice to release the offender from your right to seek revenge and judge them. However, reconciliation, or restoration of relationship, only happens when the offender truly repents for what they’ve done and can be trusted again. More simply, you could say the formula for reconciliation looks like:
Forgiveness (from the offended) + Repentance (from the offender) = Reconciliation
If the offender who hurt you is not ready to acknowledge their wrongs and change, the relationship cannot return to how it once was. You can still do your part, and forgive, thereby repeating all the spiritual and psychological benefits of it, but it may be beneficial to exercise boundaries to guard your heart and provide consequences for the offender’s unsafe behavior until they are ready repent.
5. FORGIVENESS IS INSTANT
May people think that forgiveness is a one-time event or decision. Maybe there is a moment of inspiration and they choose to forgive someone. Then, later on, feelings of bitterness seem to resurface and wonder if they every truly forgave. The reality is that forgiveness is a process; it’s a practice that we must continually hold onto.
Working through forgiveness is a process that can be helped in therapy by working on betrayal trauma.