BETRAYAL BLINDNESS: NOT SEEING WHAT’S OBVIOUS

Understanding Betrayal Blindness

Betrayal blindness is a state where individuals fail to see or acknowledge betrayal by someone they depend on for physical or psychological safety. This concept, coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, explains why people often stay in denial about significant betrayals in their close relationships.

Mechanisms Behind Betrayal Blindness

1. Coping Mechanism:

• Survival Strategy: To maintain a crucial bond, individuals unconsciously filter out information that threatens their sense of security or attachment.

• Unawareness: This allows them to avoid chaos, confusion, fear, and suffering, sustaining their relationship with the betrayer.

2. Psychological Complexity:

• Attachment vs. Detection: The need for attachment often overrides the brain's cheater-detection system, leading to simultaneous awareness and unawareness of betrayal.

• Freeze Response: Betrayal blindness is akin to the freeze response, where individuals numb themselves and ignore inner warnings.

Signs of Betrayal Blindness

• Inconsistent Awareness: Alternating between being aware of the betrayal and being oblivious to it.

• Self-Protection: Filtering information to avoid emotional pain and preserve the relationship.

• Shock and Pain: Experiencing intense emotions when finally confronting the betrayal.

Impact on Mental and Physical Health

• Suppression of Observations: Constantly ignoring signs of betrayal takes a toll on mental and physical health.

• Unexplained Issues: Can lead to depression, anxiety, and other health problems due to the effort required to maintain this state of denial.

Healing from Betrayal Blindness

1. Safe, Supportive Relationships:

• Support Network: Building a network of trusted individuals who can provide support and validation.

2. Willingness to Confront Reality:

• Standing Up to Betrayal: Facing the injustice and acknowledging the betrayal.

• Claiming One’s Truth: Accepting and voicing one's reality, even if it risks superficial relationships.

3. Emotional Exploration:

• Facing Feelings: Asking oneself what feelings would emerge if they faced the issue.

• Identifying Fears: Recognizing what scares them about confronting the betrayal.

• Assessing Losses: Understanding potential losses from facing the reality.

4. Support and Strength:

• Necessary Support: Identifying what support is needed to face the reality of the situation.

• Building Resilience: Developing strength and grounding to confront avoided issues.

Key Questions for Overcoming Betrayal Blindness

Dr. Michelle Mays suggests asking the following questions to bring awareness and heal from betrayal blindness:

1. Emotional Impact:

   • "If I were to face this issue, then what would I have to feel? What would change for me?"

2. Fears:

   • "What scares me about it?"

3. Potential Losses:

   • "What would I potentially lose?"

4. Support Needs:

   • "What support do I need around me to be able to look at and face the reality of my situation?"

5. Building Strength:

   • "What will help me feel strong enough and grounded enough to look at the issues I’ve been avoiding?"

Conclusion

Betrayal blindness serves as a temporary coping mechanism to stabilize unreliable relationships but at the cost of honesty and authenticity. Healing involves confronting and understanding the betrayal, assessing what can be salvaged, and striving for a healthier, more honest life. This process requires support, courage, and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths.