CODEPENDENCY: 7 WAYS TO RECOGNIZE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Having a healthy relationship is one of the biggest contributors to a balanced and fulfilling life, along with physical wellness and financial security. Unhealthy or “toxic” personality traits or dynamics have a negative impact on all relationships, whether romantic, platonic or professional. Lack of awareness or ignorance of these toxic characteristics will invariably lead to unhappiness.

FEAR OF VULNERABILTY

Vulnerability is about sharing the deepest most intimate parts of ourselves. It allows a relationship to grow stronger over time, as both partners are aware of and respect one another’s differences. When both partners enter the relationship and know who they are and what they need, they are less afraid to share who they are. On the other hand, people who are afraid of being vulnerable may start avoiding topics because they fear their partner will be angry or hurt. In a healthy dynamic, the relationship grows stronger with vulnerability. In a toxic relationship one partner uses the sensitive information as ammunition in arguments, which results in less sharing; less vulnerability. Or, after we have shared something vulnerable and our partner then leaves us or makes us miserable, we learn that it’s better to not be vulnerable.

The real issues is that information was shared with the wrong person.

LACK OF HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

A healthy relationship is one where both partners are comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with one another. People often don’t learn healthy communication from their parents. When we grow up in a home where there is yelling, screaming, no expression of feelings, or no apologies; then as adults we don’t have the basic tools either. When we get into relationships, we tend to repeat the patterns of childhood, despite our own judgement, because this is what feels most comfortable. Toxic communication is aggressive, controlling and competitive. If you have more arguments about who is right versus discussions about what is right, it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Even if we don’t learn effective communication as children, we can learn it as adults. When expressing yourself, make sure to use “I” statements and focus on feelings rather than accusatory statements, which can result in the partner feeling defensive. It can take time to learn how to effectively communicate, but it is worth the effort. When you don’t’ feel comfortable sharing your thoughts or feelings with your partner, the relationship will suffer.

DISRESPECT OF BOUNDARIES

In a relationship with healthy boundaries, we can share our wants and needs with our partner and expect they will be acknowledged and respected. Most of us have never learned about boundaries because we were too busy trying to meet the expectations of others. Boundaries depend on self-esteem and self-awareness. If each partner knows what the other wants and needs, and allows space for finding this common ground, boundaries will be easy. Unfortunately, most people don’t have clear and firm boundaries. It is important to remember that boundaries are important for each of us. The right people will never try to step over or put them down.

MANIPULATION AND LACK OF TRUST

Unhealthy partners don’t start off as overtly controlling or untrustworthy. These traits first appear in behaviors like questioning who we were talking to or what we were doing. Someone who is codependent may feel the need to control the situation because they don’t trust someone else can handle it themselves. Or they control their environment because they felt a loss of control as a child. Healthy relationships are marked by equality. When we speak about control, we mean an imbalance of power; where one person like everything they want and need is important and their partner is powerless and must follow what they are told. Controlling people may dictate how someone dresses, who they hang out with, whether or not they work, or even how much they shower. This can happen subtly through shaming, guilt or fear. The partner who is being controlled by feel as if they are “bad” or “crazy” for not doing something their partner wants them to do. This type of manipulation is incredibly toxic in a relationship.

We may lack trust due to a past experience of being cheated upon, but this does not make it okay to go through someone’s phone or emails. If someone is calling or texting while we are out with friends, then gets angry when we don’t answer, this is both controlling and implies a lack of trust. If someone constantly accuses us of cheating, they may be projecting what they are actually doing – or they would know a healthy person wouldn’t put up with their behavior. If you find yourself doing this you need to consider the importance of a healthy relationship. If you do not trust the person you are with, why are you with them?

ISOLATING FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY

It starts with when your partner says they don’t like a certain person you hang out with and try to justify why you should turn against them as well. At first, we may agree and spend less time with that person. Over time they may estrange more friends and even family, where eventually you are left with only them.

A relationship should not demand all of your attention.

You should have friends outside of the relationship and activities you enjoy without your partner. if they are keeping you from your circle of friends and family members, they are doing this as a way to make you feel isolated and dependent upon them. This makes it more difficult to leave a toxic relationship because we seem to have lost so much of our support network.

ABUSE

This sign should be glaringly obvious. When we are in survival mode we sometimes justify irrational behavior. We are smart people and abuse doesn’t happen to “someone like us.” But it does. Smart successful women deal with abuse all the time but we tend to compartmentalize it because we are embarrassed of how things are at home. The definition of abuse is “a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another.” In healthy relationships, there is mutual respect, honesty and vulnerability. In toxic and abusive relationships these do not exist. If you are wondering if you are experiencing abuse, it falls into one of these categories. Physical, sexual verbal/emotional, mental/psychological, financial/economic, cultural/identity. Simply put, these are meant to make you question yourself, rely on the other person, and in general feel inferior. Abuse is used to manipulate. If we believe the person loves us, we fall victim to gaslighting and being made to feel as though we are crazy.

It is important to get help if you are dealing with any kind of abuse.

Many things we may have minimized for survival need to be exposed so we can learn what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

NOSTALGIA FOR THE GOOD TIMES

If you find yourself focusing on how things used to be, while feeling unhappy with the way things are currently going, you might give excuses for bad behavior. An example of this is when the relationship starts, and things are going amazing. Then something changes, and suddenly the person you are with is showing up differently. You keep hoping they would be the person you met, but eventually realize they won’t ever go back to that version of themselves. Relationships evolve over time but they should still feel good to be in. If you are constantly feeling drained and overwhelmed, wishing for how things used to be, it may be time to do some soul searching on how you want to move forward in your life.

IN SUMMARY

If you find yourself agreeing with some of the above examples, you may be in a toxic relationship. It is important to ask yourself “How do I feel in this relationship? Do I feel drained or inspired?” If you find yourself repeatedly unhappy with the answer, the next step is to take action, get a supportive need to help you move forward, then help you not get into another toxic relationship.

Click here for more information on Codependency Therapy.