COMBATING SHAME
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience that results from believing we are bad, wrong, or broken, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is a universal emotion that we all share when we feel we have done or not done something that contributes to a disconnection from others. Shame becomes powerful when it stays hidden or is a secret. It is the feeling in your gut that results from thinking, “I am bad.” It can be subtle, or it can feel overwhelming.
It is common to be ashamed of who we are and who we are not. We have been receiving messages since childhood that lead to shame. Researchers indicate that for women it is about being the perfect wife, mother, and daughter; while making it look easy; in addition to looking skinny and gorgeous at the same time. For men, the perception of looking weak tends to be avoided at all costs. Shame makes us think we are small, defeated, unworthy or inadequate. Here are ways to combat shame:
1. Recognize that it is happening when it happens.
While shame is a universal feeling and ever human being has experienced it, some of us may not have a lot of awareness around when we are feeling shame. It has a physical sensation that can be recognized in our bodies. By being able to notice and acknowledge shame triggers, it is possible to feel your way through the sensation. You can learn more about your shame triggers, so you know that they are and when they get activated.
2. Once you know the triggers, practice critical awareness.
Take time to do a reality check. Are these expectations real and attainable? Are these messages who you want to be or are they messages about what others may want us to be? Am I worried about what people are thinking about me or am I being authentic and true to myself? Practice having a keen eye for the truth about our behaviors and the situations we experience.
3. Reach out and share with someone who has earned the right to hear your story.
Owning your story requires that you reach out. Combating shame requires connecting so that you can experience empathy. Shame dislikes connection. Having another person recognize and validate your experience can dissolve shame and build shame resilience.
4. Speak up and speak out.
Talk about how you feel and ask for what you need. Shame wants you to keep quiet and isolated. It loves that you hide, but when you tell others what is going on inside of you then you are vulnerable. You have the courage and take the risk to ask for what you want and need. This takes the power away from shame and puts you back in the driver’s seat.
These steps require practice. Be compassionate with yourself as begin to include these steps into your life. Recognize and validate that you are doing the best you can. Be gentle and easy as you step into self-awareness and know that you are not alone on this journey. Reach out to others and share, you will be helping them as much as you are helping yourself.