Couples Therapy with a Narcissist: Can It Really Work?
If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone who might have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you’ve likely reached a point where the relationship feels overwhelmingly challenging. What began as a whirlwind romance filled with admiration and affirmation may now feel like a constant cycle of criticism, devaluation, and unresolvable arguments.
You’re not alone in wanting to fix things. Many people in this situation turn to couples’ therapy, hoping it will restore their relationship and provide clarity. But when one partner has untreated NPD, is couples’ therapy effective—or even helpful?
The Hope Behind Couples Therapy
For partners of narcissists, the desire to repair the relationship is often rooted in genuine care and a longing for the good times to return. Many seek therapy with the hope that a professional can:
Explain to the narcissist how their behavior is harmful.
Help the narcissist develop empathy and understand their partner’s perspective.
Encourage the narcissist to make meaningful, lasting changes.
While these goals are reasonable, they’re often difficult to achieve when one partner has untreated narcissistic personality disorder.
Why Narcissists Struggle with Couples Therapy
At its core, NPD is a disorder of self-esteem regulation. People with NPD require constant external validation to feel good about themselves and often lack emotional empathy for others. This dynamic poses significant challenges in therapy. Key traits of narcissism that hinder progress include:
Lack of Emotional Empathy: Narcissists prioritize their own feelings and often struggle to genuinely care about how their actions affect others.
Black-and-White Thinking: They see people (including their partners) as either entirely good or entirely bad, making it hard to tolerate normal flaws or disagreements.
The “Construction Project”: Narcissists often try to “fix” their partner’s perceived flaws through criticism, control, or manipulation, believing their partner needs to change for the relationship to work.
Couples therapy requires both partners to reflect on their behaviors and take accountability for their contributions to the relationship’s struggles. For narcissists, admitting flaws can feel like an existential threat, making meaningful participation in therapy unlikely.
What Typically Happens in Couples Therapy with a Narcissist?
When couples therapy is attempted in these situations, one of four scenarios usually unfolds:
1. The Narcissist Walks Out
Narcissists often engage in therapy initially, eager to air their grievances and justify their actions. However, when the conversation shifts to their own behavior, they may feel attacked or criticized and refuse to continue therapy.
2. The Therapist Caters to the Narcissist
Some therapists, recognizing the narcissist’s sensitivity to criticism, may focus on validating them to keep them engaged. While this strategy may prevent early dropout, it often alienates the non-narcissistic partner, leaving them feeling unsupported and misunderstood.
3. The Therapist Misidentifies the Problem
If a therapist is unfamiliar with NPD dynamics, they may misinterpret the situation. For example, a calm and composed narcissist might be seen as rational, while their distressed and emotional partner is perceived as the problem. This can exacerbate the non-narcissistic partner’s feelings of isolation and invalidation.
4. Temporary Improvement
In rare cases, a skilled therapist can negotiate temporary behavioral changes. The couple might establish agreements that improve their interactions for a time. However, when the narcissist feels triggered or stressed, they often revert to old patterns, requiring repeated rounds of therapy to maintain any progress.
When Couples Therapy May Not Be the Answer
For most couples where one partner has untreated NPD, couples’ therapy is unlikely to yield lasting results. Instead, the following approaches may be more effective:
Individual Therapy for the Narcissist: If the narcissist is willing, individual therapy can help them explore their underlying issues and develop healthier ways to relate to others.
Support for the Non-Narcissistic Partner: Individual therapy can provide a safe space for the non-narcissistic partner to process their experiences, rebuild their self-esteem, and decide on the best path forward for their own well-being.
The Bottom Line
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for many relationships, but when one partner has untreated narcissistic personality disorder, its effectiveness is often limited. Narcissists may struggle to engage in the reflective, collaborative process required for meaningful change.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. Consider seeking individual therapy to explore your options and develop the tools you need to navigate this challenging dynamic. Remember, you don’t have to face this alone.