DARVO: The Toxic Manipulation Tactic You Need to Know
Have you ever confronted someone about their hurtful behavior, only to end up feeling like the villain? Did they deny what happened, lash out at you, and suddenly act like they were the real victim? If so, you may have experienced DARVO—a manipulative defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, narcissists, and those unwilling to take accountability.
What is DARVO?
DARVO stands for:
Deny – "That never happened!" or "You're making things up!"
Attack – "You're too sensitive!" or "You're the one with the real problem!"
Reverse Victim and Offender – "You're actually hurting me!" or "How dare you accuse me?"
This strategy was first identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd and is often used to deflect responsibility and silence the person raising concerns. It’s particularly common in toxic relationships, workplace conflicts, and even large-scale institutional cover-ups.
How DARVO Works
Imagine you confront a partner about their lies or mistreatment:
💬 You: "I found messages that show you've been cheating."
💬 Them: "I never did that!" (Deny) → "You’re crazy and paranoid!" (Attack) → "How dare you invade my privacy? You’re controlling!" (Reverse Victim and Offender).
Instead of addressing the issue, they manipulate the conversation so that you’re now on the defensive. The result? You feel confused, guilty, and unsure whether you were in the wrong for even bringing it up.
Why is DARVO So Dangerous?
DARVO is emotionally destabilizing. When someone twists reality, you may:
Doubt your own memories or perceptions (gaslighting effect)
Feel guilty for standing up for yourself
Stay in unhealthy situations to avoid conflict
Become isolated, as others may believe the abuser’s version of events
This tactic is especially harmful in cases of emotional abuse, infidelity, workplace harassment, and even legal battles. It shifts focus away from the real issue and punishes the victim for speaking out.
How to Recognize and Defend Against DARVO
1. Stay Grounded in Reality
Write down events as they happen. Keeping a journal or documentation can help you trust your own memory when someone tries to distort the truth.
2. Avoid the Trap of Defending Yourself Too Much
DARVO works when you start proving your innocence instead of addressing the original issue. Instead of arguing, repeat your boundary:
👉 "This conversation isn’t about my reaction—it’s about your behavior."
3. Call Out the Pattern
If it’s safe to do so, name what’s happening:
👉 "I see what’s happening here. You’re denying, attacking me, and making yourself the victim. That doesn’t change what you did."
4. Set Boundaries and Walk Away
People who use DARVO thrive on emotional chaos. If they refuse to take responsibility, disengage:
👉 "I’m not going to argue with you about this. When you're ready to have an honest conversation, let me know."
5. Seek Support
A therapist or trusted friend can help you process what’s happening and validate your experience. If you’re in a toxic relationship, professional guidance can be crucial in breaking free from the cycle.
Final Thoughts
DARVO is a destructive manipulation tactic that shifts blame and prevents accountability. Recognizing it is the first step in protecting yourself. If you find yourself frequently caught in these dynamics, remember: you are not overreacting, you are not crazy, and you have the right to set boundaries.
Have you experienced DARVO in a relationship, at work, or in another situation? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!