HOW TO VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS

Communication within relationships is essential in getting your needs met and letting your partner know how you feel. When the communication is working well, both partners can feel connected, loving and secure. But when efforts to share feelings or make requests are met with misunderstanding and defensiveness, partners can feel unsupported and the relationship can feel threatened. Three listening skills are crucial in helping you feel heard and understood, which can help you reconnect with your partner.

Gottman Therapy is a type of couples counseling that offers many tools, among them a dialogue for partners to practice active listening skills that deepen connection and heal each partner feel understood. Listening is key to validating your partner, and it can feel more challenging when you feel a strong desire to react or defend yourself. By focusing on these three skills, it can help you keep your focus on your partner: mirroring, validating, and emphasizing.

·         Mirroring is reflecting what your partner is saying using their own words. This can be difficult when you are first learning how to mirror because it will feel like you are a parrot repeating words. When you repeat your partner’s words back to them, start your response with,” so I hear you saying…” or “it sounds like you’re saying….” Notice in this process how you may feel as though you are having two different conversations: the verbal one where you practice mirroring, and the mental one where you’re responding with a defense. If you practice mirroring long enough, the desire to argue lessons over time, especially as you start to notice your partner feels understand.

·         Validating means you are telling your partner that what they are saying is understandable from their point of view. It doesn’t mean you have to agree wit them, but if you do it genuinely, you convey that you can see their point. This can sound like, “that makes sense because….” Or “I can see how you might think or feel…” If you struggle with  understanding your partner’s perspective, it is helpful to ask for more information, like “can you tell me more about…” in a way that is inviting, instead of “I don’t understand what you mean.”

·         Empathizing can mean different things, but with a partner it means really trying to get to what emotion or feelings they are experiencing. It means going deeper than the cognitive or thinking part of an opinion. Using a phrase such as “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when…” or “I can imaging you felt hurt…” You don’ have to actually feel the feeling in that moment yourself. It can make a huge difference to your partner that you’re making the effort to really get them.

For this strategy to work the most effectively, you have to feel less emotional intensity. If you struggle with emotional regulation, it may be helpful to seek couples therapy. Communication can be repaired in relationships.