SAFETY IS THE MISSING LOVE LANGAGE THAT TRAUMA SURIVORS NEED MOST

Many relationship experts have embraced the idea of love languages. This become popular with Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages. They include: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time. Yet none of these exist in a meaningful, enriching way without safety.

Safety is the foundation for all the love languages.

Safety is the prerequisite for everything else in a healthy relationship.

WHY IS SAFETY ESSENTIAL, ESPECIALLY FOR TRAUMA SURVIVORS

Humans are wired for connection. We all long to be loved and cared for and know we are supported in life.

The love languages are a good concept for nurturing healthy relationships, except for one thing. Love languages can only work when assuming both partner’s brains are able to think clearly and calmly. This is not often the case for trauma survivors who frequently exist in a state of alarm. They are living with a traumatized nervous system, and survival impulses have hijacked the brain.

TRAUMA CREATES BARRIERS TO USING LOVE LANGUAGES

Many trauma survivors are wary about attempting to use the love languages within their relationships. Trusting them or using them can feel risky if there is not a foundation of safety inside both themselves and in the relationship. Any of the love languages can trigger past memories of times they were endangered or manipulated. If a basis of trust and safety has not been established and healing has not occurred, the love languages can signal threats to trauma survivors. This is why it’s difficult for trauma survivors to receive compliments. Without safety, even compliments can feel threatening.

Trauma survivors often view relationships through the lens of evaluating the risk of danger. Because the trauma survivor’s nervous system is biased to see danger, it will be difficult for them to evaluate accurately. It takes time and work for the survivor to learn to be present within the relationship and know they are safe.

TRAUMA SURVIVORS MUST CLEARLY ESTABLISH SAFETY IN THE MOMENT

Before the love languages can bring benefit to the relationship, the trauma survivor must be grounded in the safety of the present moment. The survivor needs to be able to feel safe telling their partner when they are able to be present and when they are not. They need to be able to speak up and feel heard when experiencing flashbacks or body memories, while working on their current relationship.

Those who have experienced less trauma and have a basis of secure attachment, may be able to get into a new relationship and assume they will find trust and safety. The process of building safety for those with secure attachment will be much easier and quicker, as opposed to individuals who have experienced trauma.

Safety must be established through deliberate, consistent actions, and effort.

RECOGNIZING SAFETY TAKES WORK

Often, trauma survivors need to learn deliberately what emotional safety looks like and be able to recognize how it feels.

Emotional safety in a relationship looks like:

·         Being able to talk openly to each other and not feel overwhelmingly anxious

·         Holding space safely for one another to process or name feelings

·         Feeling safe in vulnerable moments

·         Listening openly and fully to your partner

·         Being attuned to your partner

·         Knowing you will be heard

·         Having confidence your partner respects you

·         Feeling that your partner has compassion for you

·         Being able to go as slow as you need to

·         Noticing if either of you are uncomfortable

·         Noticing if either of you are triggered

TRAUMA SURVIVORS: IS THERE SAFETY IN YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP?

Answering this question can be tricky for trauma survivors. Moments of unsafety can happen for trauma survivors when something triggers body memories of times they felt threatened before. Something in the present can stir a familiar feeling experienced in the trauma of their past.

Recognizing safety in the present moment requires slowing down to process the situation in the here and now.

When attempting to determine if you are safe and grounded in the present moment, consider:

·         At is foundation, is your relationship safe?

·         Even though you might be fearful of abandonment, pain or rejection, are you able to notice if you also feel loved and cared for in this relationship?

·         Are you able to see when old feelings are getting triggered, versus something dangerous happening now?

·         Is your partner willing to slow down and hear what you have to say?

·         Is your partner interested in your feelings?

If you are in a safe relationship, you may feel like these statements are true. When you look at your relationship while grounded in the present:

·         I know I can be vulnerable and that you will respond with compassion and respect, and without abuse.

·         I know I can share awkward things, cry, say something silly, wake up and look terrible – and be held without judgement.

·         I know I can have and express differing opinions, spiritual views or political views and still feel accepted.

·         I know that you won’t push me, hit me, or display violence or aggression toward me.

·         I know that if I say no sexually, you will stop immediately.

·         I know you will be there for me.

·         I feel safe with you because your words and actions line up.

SAFE RELATIONSHIPS MAKE HEALING POSSIBLE

Healing trauma will help you feel more connected to you inner voice, which helps you define safety.