15 CODEPENDENT PERSONALITY TRAITS AND CHARACTERISTICS

While codependency is a term that is used frequently, not everyone truly understands what it means. The term was first used in describing a person who was in a relationship with an alcoholic. However, psychologist now realize the phenomenon of codependency is more widespread.

Codependency differs from being interdependent. All living beings are dependent to a certain extent on those around them. We can’t do everything alone, nor is it healthy to try…but a healthy relationship consists of patterns of give and take. This pattern transfers from one person to the other, depending on who is in need at any given time. This isn’t the case of codependency.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE CODEPENDENT?

Codependency can be said to occur when you take on the task of fixing someone else’s issues that they should be fixing themselves. Your identity becomes entwined with theirs and you lose a sense of who you are. This is referred to as enmeshment.

You get to a place where you believe your existence means nothing if the other person doesn’t need you. In most situations, the codependent person is an excellent caregiver, hard worker, and dependable. They tend to feel overly responsible. These things are overshadowed by the unhealthy need to be needed.

Being codependent makes it impossible to set appropriate boundaries or even realize that you deserve to think about yourself.

The person who is experiencing a problem becomes the entire focus of the codependent’s attention. The person struggling with codependency tends to get their sense of self-worth from validation that they are doing good and helping the person in need.

These individuals have a solid concept of who they are unless they are taking care of the other person and meeting all that person’s needs. Codependency ends up harming both parties involved.

CODEPENDENCY AFFECTS BOTH PEOPLE INVOLVED

The codependent individual often looses all sense of self. They lose touch with their own emotions, and they live entirely to make the other person happy. They begin to feel guilt when the other person doesn’t change because they feel that if they just did more, the person would be better. In the end, they end up doing more harm than good.

The person who is dysfunctional is not allowed to learn from their mistakes. The codependent individual becomes an enabler by not allowing the bad behavior to continue without consequences. Consequences feel like punishment and the codependent individual struggles with feeling “mean” to people they care about.

If the dysfunctional person does not see a reason to change and begins to learn that someone will cover for them or clean up their messes, they do not grow. Instead, they continue with their harmful behavior until a point where they end up destroying both themselves and the one who thought they were helping.

Codependent people have certain personality traits, some more obvious than others. Here are 15 of the most common codependent traits.

CODEPENDENT TRAITS

1.       Feeling responsible for solving other’s problems.

Someone who is codependent feels that they need to step in and clean up any messes the other person gets themselves into. They will make excuses, try to bail the person out of jail, and feel that if they can make the person happy, they will stop drinking or be able to control their anger better. Whatever problem the people has, the codependent feels it is within their power to make everything right and change the bad behaviors.

2.       Offering advice even if it isn’t asked for.

A codependent person often feels they know what is best in all situations and will offer advice even when it is not asked for. Additionally, they will often get insulted if their advice is rebuffed or the person doesn’t follow that advice. After all, their motive is simply to help.

3.       Poor communication regarding feelings, wants, or needs.

A codependent person has difficulty expressing their own wants and needs. This is because they most likely grew up believing their needs weren’t important. In the codependent’s eyes, the only one who matters is the person in need.

Frequently, the codependent person gets to a point where they can’t separate the feelings of the other person from their own. You can’t communicate what you don’t recognize.

4.       Difficulty adjusting to change.

Change creates a situation where things seem out of control and the codependent personality desperately needs to have control.

This being the case, any changes can send the codependent person into a state of depression or anxiety that needs to be dealt with before they can continue.

They eventually do adjust, but not without a great deal of emotional upset.

5.       Expecting others to do as you say.

This is another issue that stems from control issues. The codependent person felt lost and unable to control things as they were growing up.

They now feel that since they believe what is best for the other person, the individual should see this and do what they are being told to do. After all, it is obvious that the other person isn’t making good decisions.

6.       Difficulty making decisions.

When a person is not in touch with their own emotions and don’t feel that they deserve to have needs of their own, they can’t make decisions. This is particularly true if they feel the decision may cause the person they live for to be upset or disapprove in any way.

Codependent traits include not trusting your own thoughts and feelings, so this makes it difficult to know if you are making the correct decision and hesitation is common.

7.       Chronic anger.

Many individuals with codependent traits have underlying chronic anger. The anger may be from feeling that past treatment was unfair, but often the anger is directed at both the person who the codependent person feels responsible for, as well as toward themselves.

The codependent person may feel they aren’t strong enough or good enough because the other person isn’t responding to their efforts to be fixed. They also feel anger towards the person because, subconsciously, the codependent person feels taken advantage of.

8.       Feeling used and underappreciated.

A codependent person is often in a situation where their partner does not want extreme attention. They don’t want help. They don’t necessarily want to be the sole object of someone else’s life. They will take what is given, but rarely gives back. The codependent person begins to see this as an uneven relationship and begin to feel used.

Often, the codependent person feels as though they are giving everything they have, yet their partner fails to notice how much they are trying to help. This contributes to the chronic anger previously mentioned. As a result, the codependent person responds by digging in and trying to give even more.

9.       People-pleasing to be liked or loved.

The codependent person feels unworthy and unlovable. They strive for perfection, give until they are burnt out, and continue to find ways to make the object of their attention love them. They do everything they can to avoid displeasing the other person and try to avoid conflict.

This is particularly true of a person who has a background of being abused. They learned early that the best way to be “loved” was to be “good” and do only what others want. This includes only thinking what they feel the other person wants them to think.

10.   Lack of trust in self or others.

Throughout their lifetimes, the codependent person has been disappointed many times. They learn that people don’t follow through and lie to them on a regular basis. The learn that they can’t count on others, therefore they stop asking.

They struggle with trusting their own thoughts and feelings because they have led them to heartache and disappointment in the past. Additionally, their lack of self-esteem makes them distrust their own thoughts.

11.   Fearing rejection or being unlovable.

A very common underlying emotion of the codependent personality is a fear of rejection. The person is afraid that if they speak up and ask for what they want, they will be considered unlovable. They feel if they disagree, the other person will leave them and they will be left alone.

Seeing that their identity is entwined with this other person, they fear they can’t live without that person. This fear keeps them from setting boundaries as this may cause conflict.

12.   Feeling like a victim

When you feel unloved and used, it leads to feeling like a victim. You feel it is unfair to give and give and get nothing in return. You understand on a deep level that this type of situation is uneven and that it isn’t what you see other people experiencing. Yet, instead of removing yourself from the situation, your internalized feelings of not deserving more keep you stuck, all while knowing the situation is unfair.

13.   Taking everything personally.

When the codependent person is unable to change their partner, they begin to believe it is their own fault. Somehow, they weren’t good enough. They weren’t lovable enough. They didn’t do or say the right thing to change the situation.

The codependent person takes all the failures of those they feel responsible for and decides these are their fault. The blame is rarely seen as belonging to the one who messed up.

14.   Lying to yourself and making excuses for other’s bad behavior.

Often, the codependent person finds themselves explaining away their partner’s bad behavior or denying it exists. Their partner only hits them because they make their partner angry. They should have had the meal ready.

They call their partner’s boss and say they are sick, even if they are simply too drunk to make it to work. Their partner doesn’t have a drug problem, they are simply stressed and will be okay when things lighten up.

15.   General sense of helplessness, anxiety. Or depression.

The codependent person yearns to feel in control, yet they have no control. The objection of their infatuation continues on their merry way, knowing their needs will be met and their messes will be cleaned up.

Eventually the codependent person feels helpless, not understanding what else they can do or what they are doing wrong. They become anxious that they won’t be loved, or they will be left alone. Depression is common and often the codependent person turns to unhealthy coping behaviors to cope.

WHAT CAUSES CODEPENDENCY?

Codependency typically begins in childhood and is considered a generational disorder. Circumstances that can lead to becoming codependent in adulthood includes:

·         Experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

·         Having a parent or caregiver that suffers from addiction, a mental disorder, or a debilitating physical illness that creates a situation where parent and child roles are reversed.

·         Having a controlling or overprotective parent or one that puts their own needs above that of the child.

·         Having a controlling or overprotective parent or one that puts their own needs above that of their child.

·         Being abandoned by one or both parents.

RECOVERING FROM CODEPENDENCY

If you see your own patterns or behaviors described above, remember it is possible to break free from codependency. In many situations, it may be imperative to reach out for professional help. In the meantime, it may be important to begin your journey by doing the following:

Start spending time alone and away from the person you are codependent upon. You may have broken many ties with friends and family, but now is the time to reach out for their support. You can also start doing things that appeal to you. Sign up for a class in relaxation techniques or try a new hobby. The point is to spend more time thinking of yourself and worrying less about others.