4 TIPS FOR HAVING THE SEX TALK WITH YOUR PARTNER

Research shows that sex feeling healthy and good attributes to 15% to 20% of an individual’s overall satisfaction in the relationship. On the other hand, when couples are feeling sexually dissatisfied in the relationship, it can account for 50% to 70% of their overall dissatisfaction. While this indicates that sex plays a larger role in relationship success, knowing how to talk about sex with your partner is not always easy.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

It is important to feel connected with your partner and that our needs and desires are noticed and fulfilled. When we are able to have these conversations, it will feel as though we are more emotionally connected in the relationship. If emotional connection is not happening, it can feel as though we are being rejected, which may lead to distancing from our partners.

It is important to note that talking about sex may be difficult due to our past associations with sex or a general discomfort in the topic. There tends to be a significant amount of shame surrounded by sex as well. Additionally, there could be fear about pointing out something that is wrong in the relationship. It can feel as if the relationship is doomed or that you aren’t aligned with your partner. It is important to normalize the idea that there can be differences within a relationship and the relationship can still work. But communication will be the only way to ensure there is not resentment or bitterness.

STEP ONE: NOTICING WITH PERMISSION

The first step is giving yourself permission to notice and be curious about your needs and desires. It can feel shameful to think that we have desires and needs that are not being met within the relationship.

STEP TWO: AUTHENTIC SELF EXPLORATION.

In this step it will be important for you to explore your sexuality. Ask yourself these questions:

·        Why are you having sex?

·        Is it because it really relaxes you?

·        Do you feel more emotionally connect with your partner?

·        Does it feel really good and pleasurable?

·        Does it allow you to release some tension or emotions from the day?

·        What have I tried before that I really enjoyed with past partners?

·        What have I tried with past partners or current partners that I did not enjoy?

Allow yourself to show compassion toward yourself and gather information from past or present experiences. Allow yourself the space to think about what made you feel good and satisfied that need and reason for having sex.

STEP THREE: EVALUATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

There are a lot of messages that are sent to us about sex. We receive these messages through social media, porn, community leaders, or family and friends. In noticing the messages we receive, it is important to evaluate your expectations about sex. For example, in a lot of porn videos, we see people with perfect bodies or extreme intensity or extreme orgasms. There are no such thing as perfect. We may want to be our own version of “perfect.” And this changes over time. Additionally, our bodies change as we age. As so our circumstances are changing specifically around sex. Continue to evaluation your expectations around sex and remember there is no one way to have sex.

STEP FOUR: MAKE A PLAN WITH YOUR PARTNER

The final step is to discuss potential plans with your partner. You’ve done the work. You have increased your self-awareness around your own sexuality. While you want your partner to do the same, you don’t want this conversation to catch your partner off guard. Ask your partner to set some time aside to have a conversation about sex. While your partner may not have had the same self-reflective experience you have, this may open the door for your partner to explore their sexuality as well.

If you are looking for a safe and supportive place to talk to your partner, sex therapy may be helpful.