WHY HAPPY PEOPLE CHEAT

It is not an uncommon situation for a therapist to encounter. A couple report to being happily married. They enjoy each other’s company, appear to communicate well, and report a strong emotional connection with one another. At first glance, the relationship appears to have a strong foundation.

And yet, one of them admits to having an affair.

How can someone say they value their relationship, yet also have an affair? Why do happy people cheat?

Unsurprisingly, the thoughts and feelings driving infidelity aren’t simple.

THE REVOLUATION OF RELATIONSHIPS

To help understand why people cheat, it’s important to look at how relationships have changed in recent years.

The shift from traditional values and roles plays a part, thus the nature of marriage and family is changing. Moder marriage is less about convenience or necessity than it has been in the past. Now in most places and cultures, marriage is a choice, and people are waiting longer to make the choice to marry. The role of women in the household is changing, which means traditional gender roles are shifting. And while monogamy is still preferred by the majority of couples, there is a growing acceptance of polyamory.  Couples are having more candid conversations about consensual non-monogamy (CNM), which will continue to transform what relationships look like.

Overall, it would seem that relationships are moving in a direction where they are more malleable to each couple’s individual needs than ever before. Additionally, the divorce rate in America has been decreasing over the past ten years.

So why are people cheating?

The desire to be unfaithful is not limited to gender, sexuality, or age.

In some instances, it is the result of unmet needs within the relationship. Issues such as a lack of emotional safety, boredom, and personal insecurities can fester when they aren’t addressed. If one partner feels as though they aren’t listened to or respected within their primary relationship, they may seek that outside of the relationship. However, relationship problems are not the only reason people cheat.

When infidelity emerges from personal struggles, impulsivity, or social and environmental pressures, relationship problems can result from cheating, rather than being the cause of it. In these instances, it is important to repair the relationship, but the work is not about finding a fixing the relationship issues.

It is hypothesized that in a happy relationship, a person may cheat – not because of their dissatisfaction with their partner – but due to their dissatisfaction with themselves. It is easy for individuals to get caught up in questions such as “What do I want?” and “What does everyone else want from me?” If someone has spent their entire life doing what is expected of them, the act of breaking free of those expectations can actually be more exciting and meaningful that the act of cheating itself. When happy people cheat, it may be more opportunistic than them having fallen out of love with their partner. They may be in love with the free, risk-taking, adventurous person they become when they are having an affair.

While either partner in a relationship can cheat, men are slightly more likely to cheat on their spouses than women are. In a social survey, 20% of men had reported an extramarital affair, while 13% of women reported the same. In a heterosexual relationship, men are more likely to practice sexual infidelity. They engage in extramarital sex and have more affairs, both short and long term, where the main attraction is only physical.

Men may have more difficult expressing feelings of love or appreciation verbally, so sex becomes an even more important way to connect with their partners. If they feel a lack of sexual connection with their primary partner, they can begin to look for this intimacy elsewhere.

On the other hand, women are more likely to have emotional affairs. While some women do engage in extramarital sex, if they are seeking attention outside of their primary partner, it may be due to her feeling unappreciated or ignored. This is not to exclusively identify motives for infidelity by their gender.

Unraveling infidelity can lead to a lot of emotional distress. There will be a lot of betrayal, hurt, and mistrust that needs to be addressed.  And it will be helpful to determine the contributing factors that led to the infidelity in an effort to help resolve these issues therapeutically.