8 TYPES OF BETRAYALS THAT CAN BE AS DAMAGING AS HAVING AN AFFAIR
Relationships can be challenging. There are obvious things that would break a relationship, such as physically cheating on your partner, having radically different values from your partner, or maybe one partner wanting children, while the other doesn’t.
Cheating is one of the most common betrayals that individuals discuss when to comes to relationship enders. With cheating the trust is broken and there is emotional betrayal. However, cheating is only one of many different types of behaviors that are a betrayal to your relationship and the commitment you made to your partner.
Here are 8 other ways to betray your partner and your relationship, that you may not realize is just as damaging, if not more so than physically cheating.
1. Putting your wants and needs above your partners
Relationships are about partnership and equality, but there is also the saying, “love is putting the other person first.”
Researchers call this phenomenon, “compassionate love” which is recognizing a partner’s needs and concerns and putting them ahead of your own. When you start to forget about your partner’s needs, or start to put your own needs above your partners, you will begin a gradual decline in your relationship. Yes, your needs are also important. However, your consideration should also include your partner’s needs and how both of you work together to meet each others wants and needs. Over time, losing the focus on your partner and only focusing on yourself will spell disaster for your relationship – especially if your partner is still putting your needs above their own. This becomes a breeding ground for resentment.
Loving someone isn’t just about saying the words. It’s about showing love through actions.
2. Taking your partner for granted
When you have been with a partner for a long period of time, it can become easy to stop thinking of your partner as a separate individual person. When you stop trying to be romantic, stop dancing, stop saying, “I love you,” or stop saying please and thank you, you begin taking your partner for granted.
If your partner feels unappreciated, resentment can occur over time. If you stop helping with housework chores or don’t help with the children, or don’t recognize and appreciate your partner’s contributions in your life, you will eventually get to the point where you and your partner are roommates. This is a betrayal that gains speed over time. It happens a little bit at a time. One partner stops recognizing and thanking and appreciating the other partner’s work. The other partner begins feeling overworked, under-appreciated, and this breeds resentment.
Take time to remember every day why you love your partner, help your partner, and listen to them.
3. Emotional cheating
Marriage therapist Sheri Meyers says, “an emotional affair is essentially an affair of the heart.” The flirty texts, deep emotional connection, telling this person about your partner, drains energy from your primary relationship.
While you can have opposite-sex platonic friendships, just ensure these are not taking away from the closeness you should be nurturing at home.
Emotional affairs are as damaging, if not more, than a physical affair. Physical affairs are often not emotionally involved and may be easier to cut out if you are trying to repair your relationship. Emotional affairs can be incredibly difficult to end and many people will “mourn” the loss of their close friend – a person they have been receiving emotional support from. Emotional cheating can irreparably damage a relationship and all trust very quickly.
4. Not standing up for your partner
You and your partner should be a team. When someone makes a negative comment about your partner, you should stand up for them. It doesn’t matter if this is a friend, a colleague or your mother. When you committed to your partner, that person becomes your closest family. If your mother tells you your partner isn’t good enough for you, it is your responsibility to stand up for your partner. This is the person you have chosen to spend your life with. If you wouldn’t allow someone to talk negatively about your children, why would you allow it for your relationship?
There are countless real life stories about relationships that crumble due to in-laws interfering in the relationship, where partners don’t stand up to their family for the relationship.
On the other hand, it could just as easily be someone outside the family. A friend may say something about the way you and your partner are raising your children. Or a colleague who complains about their partner all the time, and points out the negative things about your partner. Your significant other should be your partner in every sense of the word. You should be a united front with your partner against the rest of the world.
This is a type of betrayal that most people may not recognize as one. By allowing people to speak against or badly about your partner, you become complicit in the crime, and this is something that will destroy your relationship.
5. Lying to your partner – even about stupid things
Lying to someone is the most violation of a person’s human rights. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is hiding something from a partner.
Lying is never okay. Being caught in a lie will destroy your partner’s trust. And if you are lying and hiding things from the person closest to you, why are you in the relationship?
An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect and freedom. Real freedom comes with making a choice, not just about who we are but also how we will treat that person. Choosing to be honest with a partner daily is what keeps love alive. And choosing that partner by one’s own free will is what makes love last. So while freedom to choose is a vital aspect of any healthy and honest union, deception is the third party that should never be welcome in a relationship.
6. Using your partner’s vulnerability/insecurity against them
Skilled manipulators are experts at rationalizing their behavior and their attempts to control you. While a partner may make a request from you, such as, “I’ve been cheated on before and that is why I don’t want you to have any male friends,” no one should control who you’re friends with. They are using their insecurity against you. According to the World of Psychology, “Consideration is shown with love while manipulation is ruled by guilt.”
A tactic of good manipulators is to use your own insecurities against you. The person will constantly point out what you’re doing wrong or something they know you are sensitive about, and talk about how they could have done it better, and how you can be better, but only with their help.
Knowing these signs and seeing a partner use your weaknesses or insecurities against you could and probably should be a deal breaker in the relationship.
7. Distancing yourself emotionally
Neglect and distraction can lead to distancing oneself emotionally, creating a gulf between partners
Emotional distance is characterized by a lack of emotional, spiritual, or intellectual level connection with your partner. When your partner does offer a response, it is remote, guarded, and lacks intimacy. Emotional distance can indicate an impending physical separation. In fact, intimate partners may develop certain defense mechanisms to protect feelings and protect themselves from the pain in their relationships.
When you are in the same room physically, but not connecting with your partner, you are putting distance between you that can lead to the end of the relationship. Neglecting your partner, becoming easily defensive over little things, valuing the time with your friends and colleagues above time with your partner, or being distracted by work and other issues that you are not sharing with your partner are all signs of emotional distance.
8. Pressuring your partner to change
You should be with someone for who they ARE, not who they could/should/might be someday. A smoker knows that smoking is terrible for them, but they can’t quit because YOU want them to. They can only successfully quit when THEY want to. That’s how change works.
You can’t make someone change. “My partner would be perfect if they just listened better/cleaned more/ had different political views!” The simple truth of life is that you can only change yourself.
Trying to force someone to change against their will, even minor things, can spell the end of a relationship. Healthy communication and compromise should be the backbone of a relationship. This will allow people to make gradual changes on their own, if they want to.
Discussing betrayal trauma can help you understand the damaging effects of betrayal in your relationship .