BREAK THE CODEPENDENT PATTERN OF RESCUING, RESENTING, AND REGRETTING

Codependents are often caretakers, which is an amazing quality – except when we give at our own expense or when help isn’t wanted or needed. This results in a pattern of rescuing, resenting and regretting.

CODEPENDENT RESCUING

Rescuing is an unhealthy version of helping. It often resembles enabling, which is the behavior of protecting others from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. When we rescuing others we prevent them from learning the lesson that may help them become motivated to create change on their own. Additionally, it can be our attempt to change or “fix” what we perceive to be wrong with other people.

Rescuing includes:

·        Doing things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves.

·        Making it easier for others to continue their unhealthy behaviors.

·        Helping others avoid the consequences of their actions.

·        Doing more than your share of the work.

·        Taking responsibility for other people, trying to solve their problems.

·        Helping out of obligation rather than because you want to (people pleasing).

While not all helping is bad or unhealthy. To distinguish rescuing from true helping, it can be useful to question your motivation for helping and expectations regarding the outcome. True help is given with an open heart, with no strings attached, and no expectations. It is done because we want to help and not because we feel we have to or because we will feel guilty if we don’t. True help isn’t enabling and it doesn’t foster dependence by doing things for others that they can do for themselves.

WHY DO CODEPENDENTS RESCUE?

Codependents feel compelled to help. We see a problem and spring into action, often without examining whether it’s our problem to solve or not. Rescuing gives us a purpose; it makes us feel needed, which is something codependents crave. Oftentimes low self-esteem is at the root of codependency, so instead of having valuing in self, we have value because we are useful. Codependency can often be traced back to our childhoods; where dysfunctional family dynamics, cultural roles, and societal expectations should be explored.

Sometimes, rescuing is an unconscious effort to redo a past traumatic experience, such as the desire to rescue a parent that you were unable to rescue or save. An early experience associated with feeling out of control or ineffective can be imprinted upon us. And as adults, we repeat our failed efforts to rescue people without being fully aware of the connection between the past and present. Rescuing can also be a set of behaviors that we learned from family members. Perhaps a family member struggled with being a martyr. Or we were praised for being self-sacrificing or you took care of others as a way of feeling needed or getting attention. These behaviors get reinforced the more we do them. Many of us continue rescuing behaviors in adulthood because we were taught it’s what we should do – and we haven’t stopped to consider whether it’s working or whether we have choices.

CODEPENDENTS RESCUE BECAUSE:

·        Caretaking and rescuing make us feel useful, needed, and worthy.

·        We become caretakers at an early age out of necessity because our parents lacked caretaking skills.

·        We feel responsible for other people – their feelings, choices, safety, happiness, and so on.

·        Rescuing helps us feel in control and temporarily quiets our fears and anxieties.

·        We think it’s our duty or job to take care of everyone or everything.

·        We’re afraid to say no and set boundaries (another form of people pleasing).

·        We believe others will suffer if we don’t rescue them.

·        We think we know better than others and have the answers to their problems.

·        We confuse rescuing with true helping.

CODEPENDENT RESENTMENT AND REGRET

In the beginning, we think we can rescue our loved ones and fix their problems. We fantasize that our loved ones will become happy and healthy – and they’ll be grateful for our help; we’ll feel loved, appreciated, and valued. In reality, our rescuing efforts usually fail. It is important to remember that we can’t help people who don’t want be helped and we can’t solve other people’s problems. Instead, our failed rescue attempts leave us feeling hurt, angry, and resentful.

We become resentful after trying to rescue or fix other people’s problems because:

·        Our helps isn’t appreciated.

·        Our advice and guidance aren’t taken.

·        We ignore our own needs.

·        We do things we didn’t really want to do; we acted out of obligation.

·        No one notices what we need or tries to meet our needs; we feel neglected.

When we try to rescue others, we end up feeling used and taken advantage of. We may lash out in anger. Or stew in resentment, acting in passive-aggressive ways like making snide comments or giving dirty looks.

Understandably, the person we have been trying to help will get angry with us. As resentment grows, so do feelings of regret. We regret that we attempted to help him at all. We criticize ourselves, blame ourselves, and feel ashamed of our seemingly foolish behavior. And the longer we participate in trying to rescue, the more frustrated and resentful we become. Our rescuing becomes enabling and although we realize it’s not going to change our loved one’s behavior, we continue the pattern of rescuing, resenting, and regretting.

HOW CODEPENDENTS CAN STOP RESCUING AND ENABLING

If you feel taken advantage of by those you have been trying to help, the solution is to start setting boundaries and start saying no. You will have to stop putting  your life on hold and jumping into problem-solving mode every time someone has a problem or uncomfortable feeling. Often, we try to solve the rescue-resent-regret pattern by doubling down on rescuing. We think the solution lies in getting the person we are trying to help to change. While there is truth in this thought, the fallacy lies in the idea that we can influence their change. This is a classic codependent thinking error.

We mistakenly think that rescuing others is the solution to our feelings of resentment and regret, but in reality, rescuing is the source of these difficult feelings. And we have the power to disrupt this pattern by letting others take responsibility for their own lives – their feelings, choices, and consequences.

While it is challenging to watch a family or friend suffering, if you can step back and see the whole picture you may realize that rescuing the only contributes to both yours and their suffering. The rescue-resent-regret pattern doesn’t solve anything. It often creates more problems in our relationships and for ourselves. In addition to resentment and regret, sometimes focusing on others causes us to lose our selves – our interests, goals, values, and health.

INSTEAD OF RESCUING, YOU CAN:

·        Recognize what’s your responsibility and what’s not.

·        Stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems, responsibilities, and feelings.

·        Practice consistent self-care (noticing and meeting your own needs).

·        Refrain from giving advice or help that wasn’t requested.

·        Consider how someone’s request for help fits your own needs, plans, etc.

·        Set boundaries and say no when needed.

While codependent thinking and behaviors patterns are difficult to break, this doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It means you will need to practice breaking your patterns, have patience, and be kind to yourself. To start, notice when you are trying to rescue others and whether it leads to resentment and regret. Awareness is always where change begins.