SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE
Marriage can be a difficult union to enter into when you only have half o f the control. Oftentimes couples enter marriage with unspoken assumptions and expectations. “You should know I love you, I married you.” But a happy marriage is more than words alone.
FRIENDSHIP
Take a moment and think of your best friend. This is probably someone you would do anything for. And while sometimes they may get under your skin, more often than not, you give them the benefit of the doubt. According to Dr. Gottman in Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, the key ingredient of friendship is one of the secrets to a good marriage. The friendship allows you to know your partner on the most intimate level. By understanding their likes, dislikes, dreams, and personality quirks it helps to create a solid platform. This platform builds a buffer of fondness that will keep the foundation of your relationship solid.
So what does this theory look like in real life? Dr. Gottman explains that this fondness is not built on grand gestures of romance depicted in movies. Instead, it comes from the seemingly small everyday things that couples tend to overlook. For example, this includes thinking of small things your partner might enjoy and following through with that activity. Whether it’s playing a game they enjoy or purchasing their favorite fruit. These small gestures will help build that fondness your spouse has for you.
POSITIVE SENTIMENT OVERRIDE
Positive Sentiment Override is built through this idea of friendship. When PSO is present, the positive thoughts you have about your partner will exceed any negative thoughts you would have had about your partner’s intentions, even when you are arguing or fighting.
NEGATIVE SENTIMENT OVERRIDE
Alternatively, as you may have expected, Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) is when you habitually perceive your partner’s actions in a negative light. This occurs when you think your partner did something “on purpose” or to intentionally hurt you, even when that was not their intention at all.
WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE?
To put a visual to the concept, imagine you and your partner are getting ready to go on a vacation that you both are excited about. You look in the closet and find that the suitcases that are usually there are nowhere to be seen. You ask your partner, “have you seen the suitcases?” To this, your partner responds in that tone, “I have no idea where you put them.” With PSO, you may attribute your partner’s tone to the stress of preparing for the trip and not taking it personally. With NSO, on the other hand, you would have difficulty interpreting their tone as anything other than them snapping at you.
REPAIR ATTEMPTS
When all else fails, attempting to repair is a vital step to bring your relationship back to PSO. Dr. Gottman describes a repair attempt as a statement or action utilized to defuse negatively and keep a conflict from escalating. He states that the success of a repair attempt is indicative of whether a relationship is likely to “flourish or flounder.” The second most important factor in repair attempts is understanding how your partner receives love. Whether this means providing flowers, cooking dinner, or sampling cutting out more time for physical affection, understanding your partner’s love language is important. The third factor in a successful repair attempt is having your partner recognize and accept the olive branch that you extend.
THE WAY TO THAT SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
Couples that struggle within their relationship often find themselves in a complacent space of “just getting along.” These couples have lost their respect, as well as their fondness and admiration for the other.” It is important to bring yourself back to a deep sense of meaning and core friendship. Keep in mind that when you disagree over seemingly smaller issues – such as whose turn it is to wash the dishes – and it feels that the disagreement that escalated quickly, chances are it has nothing to do with the dishes. This could be a good time to evaluate a couple of things: How do you view your friendship with your partner? How would you rate your PSO? Do you feel you have successful repair attempts?
Marriage can be challenging. Sometimes it is helpful to get a reset on what is important in your relationship. What do you feel are important aspects of friendship that keep the flame of a romantic relationship alive?