CODEPENDENCY AND YOUR PATTERN OF UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE
Does this pattern sound familiar?
You have a successful career.
You have built a life for yourself.
To coworkers, friends and acquaintances, you appear to have it all.
BUT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, YOU KEEP FALLING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS STRUGGLING IN THEIR LIFE SOMEHOW.
Maybe they are not happy with their career or feels stuck.
Or struggles with money.
Or they have a crazy ex.
Or battles depression, anxiety, or some other “issue” that keeps them from being fully motivated in their life (and unemotionally available to you).
BUT IN THE BEGINNING, THEY FEELS LIKE YOUR SOULMATE.
They are attentive. They sweep you off your feet. You have an “off the charts” connection.
WHICH INEVITABLY DETERIORATES INTO PUSH-PULL, EGGSHELL WALKING, GASLIGHTING, SILENT TREATMENTS, DAILY ANXIETY AND MULTIPLE BREAKUPS AND MAKEUPS.
You lose your sense of direction in life.
You lose confidence.
You lose your emotional wellbeing.
At times, you lose your financial security by being the breadwinner to an underachieving partner.
WHY IS THIS?
Why would a successful, high achieving person fall for a dysfunctional partner? To family and coworkers on the outside, it doesn’t make any sense.
THE REASON? IT’S COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
THE REALITY: You are deeply afraid of abandonment or terrified of rejection.
You are deeply afraid of losing control or losing yourself in a relationship.
You have built your life in such a way that you have continuous control.
You received validation and emotional approval by being the strong, successful individual.
You base your self-worth and value EXTERNALLY on how much you are achieving in your life.
And yet, you often compare yourself to the person who “has it all.”
Which creates a sense of rejection (the very thing you attempt to run from) and feels inferior.
YOU SUBCONSCIOUSLY CREATES A NO-WIN SITUATION.
So when you find yourself with an underachieving partner…you receive the SAME EMOTIONAL “HIT” OF VALIDATION by being the helper, fixer, cheerleader, therapist, and emotional sounding board to your partner.
YOU REMAIN IN CONTROL (at least in your mind)
And in your mind: free from rejection, abandonment or losing yourself.
Because you feel “needed” by your partner.
However, the reality is that you continue to subconsciously chose unavailable partners to avoid feeling out of control, vulnerable, and at risk of abandonment or rejection.
THE IRONY: YOU ULTIMATELY FEELS REJECTED BY YOUR PARTNER AS THEY INCREASINGLY BECOME MORE UNAVAILABLE TO YOU (because of their own issues).
AND IS ULTIMATELY ABANDONED WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP EVENTUALLY FAILS.
Sadly, many individuals will cycle through this vicious pattern again and again. Growing more jaded and mistrustful after each relationship failure.
It often gets worse as decades roll by. You fall for someone even more emotionally unavailable or abusive than the last.
Which ultimately leads to more achieving and doing so feeds your worthiness and value.
THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A DEATH SENTENCE.
When you truly overcome your subconscious fears and control issues stemming from unresolved trauma and codependency…
And combine that healing with a plan to show up more empowered, vulnerable, clear, open-hearted, and honest in your own life…
Having the fulfilling love you want is more than possible.
IT’S INEVITABLE.
So what does it take to heal codependency and control issues?
· Use evidence based methods for healing complex trauma. Complex trauma is prolonged exposure to mini emotional or psychological traumas that happen in the context of a relationship. Which is the place we are supposed to feel the safest.
o Use somatic therapy, breathwork, or trauma-sensitive yoga are excellent for rewiring your brain and nervous system for safe, healthy, emotionally available relationships.
· Expand your comfort zone.
o When you commit to challenging your comfort zone, your confidence and belief in yourself increases.
Click here for more information on Codependency Therapy.