COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO DEAL WITH A PARTNER WHO LACKS EMPATHY

Empathy is defined by understand the experiences of others. In relationships it plays an essential role in building social connections and promotes prosocial behaviors. Unfortunately, not everyone experiences empathy for others, which can lead to a variety of individual and societal consequences.

What can you do if you or your loved one lacks empathy? It will be important to understand what lack of empathy might look like and then explore ways to build this important emotional skill.

LACK OF EMPATHY SIGNS

A lack of empathy is not always easy to detect, but there are a few indicators that can determine if you or a loved one might not be empathetic:

·         Being extremely critical of other people

·         Blaming the victim

·         Not forgiving people for making mistakes

·         Feeling like other people are too sensitive

·         Not listening to other people’s perspectives or opinions

·         An ability to cope with emotional situations

·         Lack of patience for other people’s emotional reactions

·         Reacting with impatience or anger when frustrated with other people

·         Feeling baffled by other people’s feelings

·         Believing that negative things won’t happen to you

·         Not thinking about or understanding how your behavior affects other people

Empathy is not an all-or-nothing quality. Instead, think of empathy as a continuum. Some people are naturally more empathetic, while others are less so. Other factors, include situational variables, can affect how much empathy an individual feels at any given time.

Factors that affect how empathetic someone is toward another includes how well they know the other person, whether they like the individual, what they blame for the other person’s situation, past experiences and expectations.

HOW EMPATHETIC ARE YOU?

Ask yourself the following questions to determine how empathetic you are:

·         Do you have a hard time picking up on the emotions of people around you?

·         Is it hard to imagine how you would fee if you were in someone else’s situation?

·         Are you indifferent when you see other people experiencing hardships?

·         Do you stop listening to other people if you don’t agree with them?

·         Do you avoid helping people who are upset, hurt, or at a disadvantage?

If you answered yes to most of the above questions, there is a strong chance that you struggle to feel empathy toward others. While this can be problematic, there are things you can do to learn empathy.

CAUSES

The exact causes of a lack of empathy are not entirely understood, but it is believed that a number of factors play a role. Empathy is believed to be largely influenced by genetics and socialization.

Genetics play a part in the heritable aspects of personality and temperament. As a result, some individuals are born with tendencies to make them more empathetic to others. However, experiences throughout life also play an important role.

Parents, teachers, peers, society, and culture affect how people feel about kindness, empathy, compassion, and helping behaviors. There is some research that suggests that men and women express empathy in different ways. Women generally score higher on measures of empathy. Other conditions may play a role in lack of empathy, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

EFFECTS

Lack of empathy can have a number of effects which include the following:

·         Problems with relationships: People who lack empathy are more likely to have problems in their relationship with other people. It can lead to arguments when other people feel that their feelings and needs are not understood. It can also make it more difficult to form bonds and decrease the likelihood that people receive meaningful help.

·         Poor communication: Not being able to understand where other people are coming from can make communication much more difficult. Miscommunication, conflict, and damaged relationships are sometimes the result of a partner who lacks empathy, a they misinterpret what others are trying to say.

·         Lack of helping behaviors: When people don’t feel empathy and others, they are less likely to engage in prosocial actions. This can affect others on an individual level, but also may have more systemic effects when groups, governments, or societies fail to show empathy toward individuals who need support.

HOW TO DEVELOP EMPATHY

It was once believed that empathy was an inborn trait that could not be learned. However, some researchers believe that this is a quality that people can develop and strengthen.

While empathy has biological underpinnings, it is heavily influenced by both social and situational factors. So while some individuals are naturally more empathetic, you can still become more empathetic with effort and practice.

Some strategies that help you become more empathetic include:

OBSERVE

Spend time noticing what other people are doing and think about the emotions and thoughts that may be driving those actions. How would you feel if you were in the situation? Are there aspects of the situation you hadn’t considered? Are there things that you can do to help? Thinking this way is helpful in improving your cognitive empathy skills. Cognitive empathy is the intellectual awareness of what other people are feeling.

LISTEN

Make an intentional effort to listen to what others are saying. The goal is to listen with the intent to understand. In addition to active listening, it will be important to pay attention to other cues that tell you what people are feeling such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.

PRACTICE IDENTIFYING EMOTIONS

Spend some time identifying and labeling your emotional responses. It can be a struggle to recognize other people’s feelings, especially if you have a difficult time identifying your own feelings. Practicing empathy toward yourself may help you become better attuned to the emotional experiences of other people.

WORK ON YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Interpersonal and communication skills have an important role in empathy. These abilities allow people to better engage with others and respond with supportive behaviors, which help others better experience and express empathy.

BE OPEN TO EMOTIONS

Feeling empathy for others requires you to feel what other people are feeling. This means allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. While this often involved experiencing difficult emotions, learning how to tolerate distressing emotions can help you forge a strong connection with other people. Doing this also allows others to empathize with you and offer the support.

USE EMOTIONS TO HELP GUIDE ACTION

Empathy is about more than just feeling sorrow or sympathy for what others are going through. Because empathy allows you to feel what others may be feeling, it can also give you motivation and a sense of empowerment. Behavior that is focused on offering assistance in order to benefit others is prosocial behavior. It is often driven by feelings of empathy. This understanding can be helpful in making things better.

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN PEOPLE LACK EMPATHY

Frustration and problems can arise when people in your life appear to lack empathy. It can create challenges in your relationship if you feel like your loved one isn’t empathetic.

So how do you respond to a loved on who lacks empathy?

·         Try not to take it personally: Remind yourself that it isn’t your fault – you aren’t responsible for other people’s emotional reactions (or lack thereof). When someone presents with a lack of empathy, it is often unintentional and may stem from their problems, traumas or experiences.

·         Establish boundaries: If the other person responds in a cruel or hurtful way, make it clear that the behavior is unacceptable. Explain that if that person cannot be supportive, they should refrain from commenting or remove themselves from a situation.

·         Nurture relationships with other people: Social support is critical to psychological well-being, so work on building healthy relationships with people who have empathy.

·         Don’t seek emotional validation from that person: It’s critical to feel seen, heard, and understood. However you’re never going to get those things from a person who lacks empathy. Instead, focus on self-acceptance and find the people who will validate your emotions without criticizing or minimizing what you are feeling.

·         Don’t expect them to change: People can build their empathetic skills, but you shouldn’t task yourself with making the other person change or waiting around for those things to happen. Instead, be supportive if they are making an effort, but don’t allow yourself to become responsible for “fixing” them.

·         Walk away if necessary: If a close relationship lacks empathy and is causing you pain and distress, it is important to assess whether the relationship is worth keeping. If the connection is unhealthy and not suitable for your well-being, it may be time to consider ending it.

Most importantly, do not allow other’s lack of empathy impair your ability to connect with other people’s emotions. Some individuals may never show care or concern for you or for the plight of others who might be suffering. Empathy fuels kindness and human connection. Allow yourself to empathize with others and create boundaries to protect yourself from those who don’t express empathy in return.

IN SUMMARY

A lack of empathy can create a variety of problems. It also varies depending on situations, so even naturally empathetic people may experience a lack of empathy on occasion.

Being away of situations where you feel emotionally uninvolved and disconnected may help you better consider some of the factors you may be missing. But if lack of empathy is a deeper, more lasting problem that negatively affects your communication and relationships, consider talking to a therapist.

A mental health professional can help you explore the cause of the problem and learn strategies that may help you better understand and empathize with other people’s experiences.

Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.