HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGER TOWARD AN ADDICT

Is it ever okay to get angry with the addict I love?

The truth is that many people who love addicts are people-pleasers, which is another term for codependency. Also defined as putting others’ needs ahead of our own, on a fairly consistent basis. A codependent person sometimes feels very guilty when they try to have their own needs met – believing they are not worthy of having their needs or desires met. Sometimes this is a lesson they learn in childhood, when they are taught that other people are more important than them and they also learn that it’s never okay to show anger.

Additionally, addicts in active addiction – and sometimes addicts in early recovery as well – can be notoriously self-absorbed. They often have little awareness about how their actions are affecting those around them, and often, they really don’t care. Their priority is getting their addictive needs met and developing manipulative behaviors to do just that. Many adult addicts behavior like toddlers when they are told the word “no,” deploying temper tantrums that often include yelling, screaming, lashing out physically, stealing from loved ones, and many other emotionally immature responses. And because their loved ones are desperately trying to maintain peace, the addicts are allowed to get away with their behaviors – so they conclude there will be no consequences for this and that it is fine for them to continue with their behaviors.

An important task for the addict is to gain emotional maturing. They need to start outward focusing on other’s needs and wants, as opposed to continually inwardly focusing on their wants and needs. It may be a wake up call for the addict to hear that their loved one is frustrated or disappointed or angry with their behavior. It would be beneficial for the addicts loved one to stop walking on eggshells and stop being so accommodating of the bad behavior.

While nobody chooses to become an addict, once they are in fact addicted and begin to develop an understanding that their life is a mess and that they are negatively affecting themselves and their loved ones – that is when they can begin to make different choices. Remaining in active addition is a choice, and going into active recovery is also a choice.

As for the loved one’s anger, there may be no other effective way that you can let the addict you love get the message that their destructive choices will no longer be tolerated.

When you are attempting to express your anger, it will be beneficial to express this in a non-charged moment. You can say to your loved one, “We love you. WE love you so much that we no longer want to watch you stay stuck in addiction. That is not the life we want for you and it is tearing us up inside to see you continue to choose this for yourself. Because we love you, we will no longer support you in active addiction in any way. But we will support you in active recovery of some kind – so when you are ready for that, let us know and we will be there for you as much as we can be.”

Finally, if nothing changes, nothing changes – and if you want the addict you love to change, you will most likely have to be the one to change what you’re doing first. It is a courageous choice to stop enabling your addict and help them instead.

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