IS THERE A CODEPENDENCY TYPE?
Codependency is a coping strategy that formed in childhood as a result of a broken connection with caregivers as a result of inadequate or inattentive parenting. In addition to toxic shame, developmental and relational trauma contribute to codependency. Codependents reenact this trauma as adults and use the same survival strategy in adult relationships, believing that the constant giving and external emphasis on others will provide them with emotional security. This approach often backfires as codependents are typically in relationships with partners who are unable to unwilling to reciprocate, therefore perpetuating the cycle of push/pull.
These typologies is not comprehensive nor does it represent any kind of official diagnosis. Remember that all forms of codependency are defined by a need to control to feel secure. Controlling others can be done directly, or in the case of codependency, quite indirectly.
The Compliant Codependent: Dependent Personality Disorder is the closest thing to codependency, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Individuals with this personality structure will often immerse themselves in the world of another, complying at all times and viewing the world as only safe when viewed through the eyes of their partner. With Compliant Codependents, who, in addition to performing everything required of them and more, also anticipates their wants and adapts to satisfy them through constant hypervigilance.
It is a complete loss of one’s sense of self and the inability to successfully address one’s own needs. Contrary to popular belief, the compliant will frequently complain to others about how horrible their situation is while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing about it. The only thing they want out of life is to satisfy their codependent objective at all costs, no matter the consequences to themselves. If left alone, their worst case scenario is being overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. Due to their denial, they are often the most difficult type of codependent to treat.
The Masochistic Codependent. Masochistic Personality Disorder was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Individuals struggling with this type of disorder, almost relish the thought of self-defeating behavior, anticipate it, and never startle when it occurs. Additionally, sufferers frequently avoid or disregard pleasurable events. They frequently allow themselves to be dragged into dangerous circumstances or relationships.
Additionally, they typically refuse assistance from others. They often choose partnerships that are detrimental to their well-being despite the availability of better choices. Pleasurable experiences are met with guilt, despair, or even more self-defeating behavior. They frequently elicit angry or rejecting responses from others in order to achieve a sense of failure or humiliation. One particularly unfavorable component of this disorder is that sufferers actively choose not to pursue pleasurable objectives, even when they are capable of doing so. Further, they reject anyone who attempts to assist them while continuing to selflessly devote themselves to others. It’s a never-ending spiral of defeatism. At an early age, the masochist has learned to despise themselves – to believe they are undeserving of love and are worthless as a person. Therefore, this individual is more likely to engage in self-destructive, punitive, and punishing self-sabotaging behaviors. Where codependents frequently utilize victimhood as a controlling mechanism to perpetuate the dependency, which frequently leads to self-defeating behaviors. This adds additional layers of complexity to treatment which must be considered.
The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 1. The drama triangle is a form of codependent control that is used to alter the narrative of a relationship and keep a codependent safe by keeping their partner in a controlled environment that is comfortable for the codependent. Given the use of the term “triangle,” one may infer without too much thought that this method of control consists of three components. It is a control cycle, progressing from one element to the next, or each point could be used indefinitely. The cycle is the most prevalent manifestation of this. The most frequent form of codependency is the “Fixer,” which is a reflection of childhood dysfunction. The Fixer is a type of codependent who is constantly available to help others, serving as the lifeblood of the family. They will take on any issue and attempt to resolve it. The consummate people please who has been taught by ineffective and inattentive parenting that they must perform increasingly more tasks in order to be validated. This people-pleasing effort comes at a significant cost to everyone engaged, since they are expected to provide a ‘return’ of validation. The codependent is frequently fatigued and prone to depression and burnout.
The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 2. Codependents can get very angry, which is a little known fact. At times, all of the suppressed feelings from childhood come gushing to the surface. It is common to see this in conflict or when attempts to fix have failed. This is the triangle’s second component. In the event that codependents believe they are losing control or are at risk of being abandoned (or feel they are), rage can ensue. There are numerous reasons codependents lash out in rage, but most common is due to despair, fear, and frustration. To keep themselves safe, some codependents go to extremes, such as being continuously furious and manipulating others. Because of the intensity of the rage, some of these codependents may be mistaken for narcissists.
The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 3: When fixing and anger don’t bring the needed rewards, a codependent will turn to victimhood. Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a distorted thought pattern, where an individual seeks to feel persecuted in order to get attention or avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions. Individuals who battle with victim mentality believe that life is not only beyond their control, but is actively seeking to harm them. This assumption results in a never-ending cycle of blaming, finger-pointing, and pity parties, all of which are fueled by pessimism, fear, and wrath. Codependents seek to be rescued, and it is the polar opposite of “fixing,” in which they view others as victims. By playing the victim, codependents are seeking to be rescued. They are seeking attention and require a sense of belonging. However, when they cycle continues, this frequently results in more fixing.
The Controlling Codependent. A controlling codependent feels secure only when their partner is insecure and the power balance has shifted to their favor. With this sense of uncertainty, the codependent can set about repairing and gratifying others to their advantage. They maintain control in this case, they accept and agree with their spouse and they do all that is possible to give the idea that everything is well. Generally, what they don’t want is for their partner to feel secure. This may arouse fears that they may be abandoned and alone. Codependents who are in control would then use subtle and no-so-subtle strategies, such as silent treatment, passive-aggressive conduct, and victimization to erode their partner’s sense of security. Additionally, they are acutely aware of changes in the partner’s mood or behavior, which may indicate that the tide is turning in either direction. This is very much a part of the drama triangle.
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