HOW TO RECOVER FROM LYING IN A RELATIONSHIP
Forgiving someone for lying or apologizing for dishonesty is one thing, but truly getting over lying in a relationship is an entirely different challenge. You might wish for the hurt to vanish quickly, but that’s rarely how it works. Overcoming the act of lying and healing from its effects takes time and effort. Understanding how to navigate this process in your marriage is crucial, as it leads to rebuilding trust. This journey is more than just trying to forget; it requires intentionality and patience. Here’s how you can approach it in three phases:
Phases to “Getting Over” Lying
1. Repentance and Remorse 2. Making Modifications 3. Reattachment
These phases are adapted from Dr. John Gottman’s process for recovering from an affair, as discussed in "What Makes Love Last" by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver. Each stage is vital for overcoming betrayal. Though dishonesty might not be as traumatic as infidelity, it still causes significant emotional wounds and requires a structured healing approach.
Repentance and Remorse
Genuine Remorse: The first phase involves genuine repentance and remorse from the person who lied. This means understanding the pain their dishonesty caused and showing a sincere desire to make amends.
What Does Remorse Look Like?
Caring About Your Spouse’s Pain: Recognize that your spouse is in tremendous pain, questioning their trust in you and the foundation of your relationship. Acknowledge that you caused this hurt and be genuinely remorseful about it.
Patience: This isn't the time to justify why you lied or bring up what your partner did. Focus on the pain you caused and take the time to understand it deeply.
Sacrificing to Heal:
Making Up for the Hurt: Like paying a fine for a real crime, you need to make up for the damage caused by dishonesty. This isn’t about immediate grace; it’s about atonement and reparations.
What Does Repentance Look Like?
Willingness to Sacrifice: Lay down your pride, needs, and desire to be right. Focus on atonement, penance, and making reparations.
Making Amends: Show your spouse that they are important enough for you to drop everything and help them heal.
Repentance is...
Remembering Your Values: Recall how much you value your spouse and the relationship. Apologize sincerely and take steps to make amends. This is about surrendering to rebuild and reconnect.
Making Modifications
Working Together: The second phase involves both partners working together to create a healthier relationship. This means making personal and relational changes to prevent future dishonesty and build a foundation of trust.
Addressing the Issues:
Self-Reflection: Both partners need to reflect on their behaviors and make necessary adjustments.
Communication: Open and honest communication is key to understanding each other's needs and fears.
Building Trust:
Consistency and Reliability: Demonstrate trustworthiness through consistent actions. Show your partner that you are committed to being honest and reliable.
Reattachment
Binding Back Together: The final phase focuses on reattachment, where the couple works on reconnecting and strengthening their bond.
Decreasing Negative Acts:
Positive Reinforcement: Engage in positive behaviors that reinforce the bond between you and your partner.
Building Resilience: Work on building a relationship fortified with trust and resilience.
How to Get Over Someone Lying to You
When you discover someone has lied to you, it can feel like a form of trauma. You start questioning what is real and whether you can trust your partner. Intrusive thoughts and uncertainty can dominate your mind. Here’s how to navigate through this process:
Understanding the Impact:
Recognize the Trauma: Understand that experiencing dishonesty is a form of trauma, leading to distrust and confusion.
Allow Yourself to Feel: Acknowledge your feelings of hurt and betrayal. It’s normal to have questions and doubts.
The Process of Healing:
Patience: Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner.
Open Communication: Encourage honest and open dialogue about the hurt and the steps needed to rebuild trust.
Seek Support: Consider professional help to guide you through this process. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore feelings and rebuild the relationship.
Rebuilding Trust:
Intentional Effort: Trust is rebuilt through intentional and consistent effort from both partners.
Transparency: Maintain transparency in all interactions to foster a sense of security and trust.
Conclusion
Getting over lying in a relationship is not easy, but with genuine remorse, intentional effort, and a structured approach, it is possible to heal and rebuild a stronger, more resilient bond. This journey involves vulnerability, openness, discovery, and honesty. Change is scary but necessary. Be committed to the process, and remember that it’s okay for things to be different, especially if they are better than they were before. Take it one day at a time, seek help if needed, and focus on building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.