THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEVOTION AND CODEPENDENCY
In a healthy relationship, both partners depend on the other. The mutual dependence ensures there is a feeling of safety and security within the relationship and this nurtures their resourcefulness and resilience. When your partner is dependable, you can be more fearless and self-sufficient. While your partner celebrates your strength and independence, you also celebrate theirs.
How is this different in a codependent relationship?
SACRIFICING YOUR IDENTITY AND SELF-WORTH
In a codependent relationship, both partners surrender their independence and instead develop an unhealthy dependence on the other, which doesn’t allow the other person to grow.
One partner becomes unhealthy in their obsession with their partner, to the point where they begin to ignore their own needs. Codependents look outside themselves to find happiness and fulfillment. They struggle to believe it can come from within themselves.
Individuals who struggle with codependency will loose themselves in the life of their partner. They attach their core being to their codependent relationship. They seek approval from their partner for their very identity. They derive their sense of purpose from the sacrifices they make to fulfill the needs of their partner. Unfortunately, this translates into looking for happiness and fulfillment by giving endlessly to their partner – someone who is not reciprocating this level of giving. This is the recipe for disappointment.
DRAWN TO RELATIONSHIPS FOR UNHEALTHY REASONS
Codependency can cause some people to become marriage and relationship junkies, who become enmeshed and obsessed with taking care of their partner. This obsession stems from a frantic needs to be in a relationship and a constant fear of not being in control of the relationship.
Making their partner completely dependent upon them creates the illusion that they are in control. They obsessively think, “This person can never leave me because I do everything for them and they’d fall apart if they left.” You know you are in a codependent relationship when you feel insecure and have a desperate need for certainty. You are overwhelmed with fears of abandonment, rejection, or fear that the relationship won’t last. You become hyper-vigilant for signs your relationship is struggling. From a distorted perceptive, you believe that if you sacrifice everything for your partner, you will be able to control the relationship.
ADDICTED TO THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL
The goal is to make someone so dependent upon you that they will never be able to leave. But this leads to an inauthentic relationship in which neither person is truly nurtured, nor does either partner get what they need. Codependent couples may feel temporarily stable, but this is not where true security lies.
If this sounds like something you are struggling with, turn your relationship around and get the help you need to form a secure and authentic relationship built on boundaries and respect through codependency therapy.