THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SHAME AND CODEPENDENCY
Most of us feel embarrassed at some point or another. Embarrassment is a common response to something we perceive to have threatened the image of ourselves that we’d like to present to the world. The key with embarrassment is that it is both situational and morally neutral. If you get caught burping, discover a pimple on your nose, or someone finds out your brother was incarcerated, you may feel embarrassment about these things in the moment. But none of these things nor your embarrassment are related to your core values and beliefs.
Shame, on the other hand, while often used synonymously with embarrassment, is a very different emotion.
As an example, if you mispronounce a word at a party and people laugh, you will likely feel embarrassed. However, you’re also more likely to remember the correct way to pronounce the word moving forward and therefore avoid this situation in the future. On the other hand, if you catch yourself treating someone badly or fail to do well on a test, you may see yourself as a “bad” person or “not good enough” because of it. This is the shame of not living up to your own standards of what you perceive a good person to be.
Unlike embarrassment, shame is often attached to thoughts and feelings that remain hidden from the outside world. Shame isn’t always situational. And shame is often intertwined with our moral character, resulting from the perception that our thoughts or actions are not in alignment with our own beliefs, values and personal standards.
Unlike temporary embarrassment, shame can also lead to additional self-destructive thoughts and negative self-evaluations, which in turn lead to low self-esteem. Moreover, shame, unlike embarrassment, is deeply tied to codependency…
INTERNAL SHAME AND CODEPENDENCY
Darlene Lancer points out in her book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, many of the symptoms of codependency are either caused by shame or are defenses to feeling shame. Fore individuals who struggle with codependency, the sense of not being a “good” person, or of not being “good enough,” or of not living up to their own standards can be a deeply rooted feeling that often stems from repeated childhood incidents and experiences.
Most codependents grow up feeling ashamed of their wants, feelings, and/or needs, often due to the emotional abandonment they experienced as children. As adults, they begin to devalue those wants, needs, and feelings in the attempt to avoid their own shame.
If the childhood shame has never been addressed or examined from the perspective of an adult, it is easy for these feelings of shame to come roaring back to the surface. This constant, or ever-present shame, sometimes referred to as toxic shame or internalized shame, prevents individuals from being able to feel loved, respected, appreciated, or happy. These feelings are unacceptable as the individuals sees themselves as not being worthy of these positive life experiences.
The inability to allow oneself to feel these positive emotions due to the constant internalized message of shame leads to low self-esteem, the need to always be better or be “perfect,” the desire to control oneself or others, the need to constantly take care of and please other people, and quite often, addiction as a means of controlling, denying, or diminishing these shameful feelings.
Given this destructive link between codependency and shame, it becomes apparent that recognizing, acknowledging, and working through our own internalized shame is the first step towards reclaiming our relationships and our lives. We need to overcome internalized shame before we become successful at setting healthy boundaries, become assertive about our needs, and avoid pleasing others at any cost.
Yes, processing our shame can, in and of itself, feel like yet another shameful experience. But, learning about and recognizing our own internalized shame is the beginning of healing. And, remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
If you want healthier and more loving relationships, the first step is to create that relationship with yourself. Doing so requires you to acknowledge and work through your own internal shame.
Are you, or is someone you know, codependent? Have you been able to recognize and come to terms with your own internalized shame? Therapy focusing on codependency can be helpful.