TRAUMA BONDING: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
WHAT IS TRAUMA BONDING?
The term trauma bonding was introduced by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond; Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships and founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). While Dr. Carnes first defined the concept as “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person,” psychologists often use a broader definition of trauma bonding.
According to Vanessa Vaughter, the use of the term trauma bonding has expanded in cultural vernacular, to reference any time one person bonds with another in an abusive situation. Katie Moore, Psy.D., further describes trauma bonding as something that happens when an attachment has formed between an abuser and the person who is being abused. “This attachment is not what someone on the outside would expect, and is often looked at by outsiders as an allegiance to one’s abuser,” she explains.
WHEN CAN TRAUMA BONDING OCCUR?
A trauma bond forms when a person abuses another either physically, emotionally, and/or sexually. It can also occur through psychological abuse as well. Two infamous examples of trauma bonding are the 1973 hostage crisis at a Swedish bank that led to the term Stockholm Syndrome and the 1974 Patty Hearst kidnapping. In the first example, an escaped convict held four employees hostage in Stockholm, Sweden. Upon being rescued six days later, the hostages had sympathized with their captor while displaying negative feelings toward the police who were attempting to help them.
The next year, Patty Hearst was abducted from her home by members of the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA). Hearst was blindfolded, held in isolation, and sexually abused over the course of her two month long abduction. By the end of her kidnapping, Hearst had changed her name, taken part in a bank robbery with her captors, claimed to support SLA and their efforts and denied she was being brainwashed.
With these examples in mind, it is important to know that trauma bonds can last much longer than a few days or months and can occur outside of abduction and hostage-crisis events. While these two notorious cases are best-known demonstrations of trauma bonding, this phenomenon is most common in domestic violence. Additionally, trauma bonding can occur between human trafficking victims and their traffickers. And while trauma bonds may be formed in other types of relationships, they are most often seen in romantic relationships.
WHY DOES TRAUMA BONDING OCCUR?
At the root of trauma bonding lies power, control, and cyclical abuse.
Trauma bonding occurs due to a specific type of abuse cycle and can look like the following:
· The abuse establishes a positive relationship with the victim.
· When the abuse occurs, the abuser follows the abuse with an act of kindness.
· The victim believes the kind and non-abusive version of the abuser was the authentic version of them.
· The cycle between abuse and kindness continues, leaving the victim feeling trapped in the relationship and eliciting complex and confusing emotions.
The reason trauma bonding can occur may also have to do with the theory of cognitive dissonance – which is when a person has one or more conflicting beliefs or behaviors that lead them to strive to alter one of the beliefs or behaviors in order to reduce the discomfort they are feeling. In the case of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and the abuse cycle can make a person focus on the abuser’s positive attributes.
SIGNS OF TRAUMA BONDING
In the case of many trauma bonds, romantic or not, the abusive person often exhibits good or positive behavior. It’s that cycle – of abuse and non-abuse – that often fosters and signifies a trauma bond.
Additional signs of trauma bonding, according to experts, include:
· Being unable to state your feelings, opinions, or desires without fear of upsetting the other person.
· Altering your behavior in a way that violates your moral code in order to keep the other person happy.
· Setting a boundary that is ignored or dismissed.
· Feeling like you would be lost without the other person.
· Being love bombed at the beginning of a relationship (which can look like over-the-top, extreme displays of attention, affection, and romantic gestures).
Other hallmarks of trauma bonding include actions like obsessing over people that have hurt you even after they’re gone, continuing to seek contact with people who you know will cause you pain, going above and beyond to help people who have hurt you and overall, and being unable to walk away from unhealthy relationships.
HOW TO GET HELP FOR TRAUMA BONDING
Because of the cyclical nature of trauma bonding, it can be especially challenging to get out of a relationship with an abuser. But it is possible. Once you identify the trauma bond, there are several steps you can take and resources you can turn to.
IDENTIFY THE TRAUMA BOND
Before getting help, you first need to recognize that you are experiencing trauma bonding. It is advised to pay attention to cycles in your relationship.
GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP SAFELY
While it can be difficult to leave a relationship where trauma bonding is present, separating is an important recovery step. If you think about leaving, a therapist trained in trauma bonding can help you create a plan for safely separating from your abuser.
CUT OFF CONTACT
Once you separate, it’s crucial to avoid all contact with your abuser. While we may feel especially emotionally vulnerable when a relationship is ending, attempting to provide or seek comfort from the abuser is likely to create confusion, heighten angry feelings, and lead to greater emotional pain.
WORK WITH A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL
Reaching out to a licensed mental health professional who specializes in abuse and/or trauma bonding can allow for continued support. One a person moves past their traumatic experiences, they may need further skills such as how to set, communicate, and hold healthy boundaries and healthy communication skills.