WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE A SPONTANEOUS DESIRE FOR SEX?
A very common issue that couples face in and out of therapy, is sex. One of the most common challenges about sex is differences in desire. When struggling with understanding or communicating about these challenges, frustration and resentment can build over time.
If we only learned about sex from media and porn, we may believe that spontaneous desire for sex, is the only kind there is. In this portrayal, two people see each other from across the room, feel immediately overcome with passionate desire, tear each other’s clothes off, and have the most amazing sex they’ve ever had. However, in reality, most couples would indicate that this depiction is not actually what their sex life looks like. While some people do experience desire in this way, many others do not.
A myth that is perpetuated by this type of portrayal of sex is that everyone should feel desire this way. And if you don’t, then something is wrong with you. This is inaccurate. Another myth is the idea that desire is a prerequisite for sex to happen, which is also false. A helpful way of understanding desire is to understand the difference between the two major kinds of desire.
SPONTANEOUS DESIRE
Spontaneous desire is they kind of desire that is typically portrayed in media. It seems to come out of nowhere. It is experienced at the drop of a dime. It is sparked by the smallest of things. Many people do experience this type of desire at some point in their lives, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
RESPONSIVE DESIRE
The other kind of desire is called responsive desire. This is a response to arousal. This means that an individual may decide to engage in sexual activity before they are turned on and then desire emerges as a result of this process. Many people, including most women, experience desire this way.
Contrary to most portrayals of sex, desire does not need to be present to lead to sex. Desire can be the spark that can lead to great sex. Desire may not be present initially and arousal can lead to desire. Also, the same individual can experience both spontaneous desire and responsive desire at different times in their life.
No matter which kind of desire you experience, both are normal and healthy and can lead to a fulfilling sex life. Through sex therapy, learning to understand your own experience with desire and learning to communicate this better with your partner(s) can be helpful in navigating a successful sex life.