AFTER INFIDELITY: DO YOU BREAK UP OR CAN YOU MAKE UP?
While an affair is not advised, repairing your relationship after infidelity can make your relationship stronger in the long run. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist whose advice dispensed via TED talks, books and podcasts says, “It used to be the divorce that carried the stigma. Now it’s choosing to stay when you can leave that is the new shame.”
She further states how it is difficult for the person who chooses to stay I the relationship. The person is shamed for staying and therefore in a double bind. They have been betrayed by their partner and then has to lie about it to protect them so that others won’t judge them. Now the person who chooses to stay is unable to talk to anybody about it. It becomes the new shame.
In the past, women were economically and legally dependent on men and divorce was rare. How, with equal rights and financial independence, the culture demands women to exercise this and throw out the cheater. Meanwhile, men are seen as weak if they stay with an unfaithful wife.
As a therapist, it is unfair to push people to divorce or think that divorce is always the better solution. Especially given that divorce dissolves all family bonds. Entire lives are intertwined with a marriage. It is social networks, children’s lives, grandchildren and economics.
While many affairs are break-ups, some affairs are make-ups. Sometimes the relationship becomes stronger, with more honesty and a deeper relationship than the one they had before the infidelity. The experience of infidelity is so complex and poorly understood that it can’t be reduced to good and bad, victim and perpetrator. A conversation needs to be had that embraces the complexity and is both caring and compassionate for everybody involved.
Oftentimes we have huge expectations of our relationship because we have elevated our partners to God-like positions. We are turning to romantic love for a host of needs that we used to look for in religion. We look to our partners for transcendence, ecstasy, comfort, meaning, wholeness, and belonging. Many relationships crumble under this pressure and combine this with the digital age, “it has never been easier to cheat, and it has never been more difficult to keep a secret.”
No relationship is affair-proof. Happy people still stray.
Three tips to strengthen a relationship, as described by Eli J. Finkel in The All-or-Nothing Marriage, include:
· Recalibrate expectations. Determine what is realistic between you and your partner at each stage of your life.
· Have a diverse social network. The goal is to nurture yourself individually, which ultimately nurtures the relationship.
· Engage in new experiences together. Take risks and maintain a sense of curiosity and discovery over new things.
These are the main tips, but also includes taking responsibility for your part in a relationship and own it. Being able to see yourself as flawed, but still hold yourself in high regard. It’s important to maintain an intimate connection that involves touch.
Esther Perel has written The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity and Mating in Captivity. Whether you decide to stay or leave after infidelity, counseling can be helpful in getting clarity.