WHEN IS IT SEX, AND WHEN IS IT SEXUAL ABUSE OR ASSAULT?
Unfortunately, many of you reading this have experienced sexual violence or know someone who has. Intense shame around sex confuses the path to healing. Sex therapy can be helpful in processing trauma.
You are entitled to a healthy sex life which you want and enjoy. To gain more self-compassion, healing and meaningful relationships, it may be helpful to review past and present encounters more accurately to differentiate between sex and sexual abuse.
Many sexual abuse survivors feel shame, guilt or fault about themselves for what happened to them. They may feel this way for years after the abuse. Survivors sometimes feels they must have done something to “cause” the sexual assault to happen.
Sexual abuse can leave a person feeling confused about their own sexual feelings. A person’s sense of healthy sexual desire and their trauma-related fantasy blurs the boundaries for survivors. Self-doubt can persist, especially if the sexual abuse occurred in childhood. Survivors may struggle to understand their own impulses, and question what is normal:
· Did something about me bring this on?
· Did part of me want this?
· Is this how I get love?
· I wanted attention – did I ask for this?
· Am I too dirty for real love?
SEX STARTS AND ENDS WITH CONSENT
Sex is a consensual bodily pleasure. Sex is equally wanted between equally empowered people. Sex occurs with two consenting adults.
Children are not able to consent because they are not adults. As an adult, you are unable to consent when you are drunk or passed out. Without consent it is NOT sex. Without consent, a “sexual” act is abuse and may qualify as assault, rape, abuse or molestation.
Trauma survivors may report arousal, lubrication, or an erection during the sexual abuse. This may cause them to feel betrayed by their bodies or questioning whether they wanted it or enjoyed it.
The only valid proof that determines consent – proof that you want or like a sexual experience – is your free will and the decision in your brain. If you ever couldn’t stop coughing or sneezing during an interview, or you had gas on an airplane, or were sweating profusely when you didn’t want to, you can understand that bodily functions don’t always match with what you want and like. Unfortunately, many people get confused about intent when it comes to genital functions. This confusion leads to misinformation, unfair pressure, and misplaced shame around sexual abuse.
Tragically, using a person’s genital response during sexual violence is yet more abuse. Your body responded against your will; denying this is a weapon that assailants use to make you, their target, feel shame.