4 STAGES OF BETRAYAL TRAUMA
What happens after someone betrays you? What are the emotional affects?
Betrayal is a painful experience that affects us deeply. Betrayal triggers feelings of anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and even self-hatred.
Betrayal causes intense emotional pain. The stages of betrayal include denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and recovery. Understanding these stages can help you cope with betrayal.
WHAT IS BETRAYAL TRAUMA?
Have you ever felt betrayed by someone who seemed trustworthy? Have you ever wondered if it was worth it to trust them again? Betrayal trauma happens when you feel deeply hurt by another person’s actions. Betrayal Trauma is defined as the psychological effect of being betrayed by another person in your life. It typically involves deception or deceit and leads to negative emotions like anger, hurt, embarrassment, humiliation, sadness and even self-hate.
While you may think these reactions are normal when faced with betrayal, however they are not healthy for our body. Our mind starts racing, our hearts race, our fists clench and unclench, and sometimes we lose our temper.
This is the result of our survival instinct kicking in, which is an automatic response. When this occurs, we are unable to process what our bodies and brains are trying to communicate. We might blame ourselves for getting sad or angry, which only magnifies the situation.
STAGE 1 – DISBELIEF/DENIAL
The first stage of betrayal trauma is disbelief. You wonder how you could have fallen victim to such an awful act of betrayal. You need time to come to terms with what happened and try to comprehend how somebody could treat you the way your partner did.
As much as this may seem logical, it isn’t easy. Most people won’t believe that their partner could actually betray them until they find evidence.
While they may say they understand the reaction their partner had, part of them still resists what actually happened. They may claim their partner didn’t mean any harm or say they were misunderstood. This is particularly true in the early aftermath of betrayal trauma. Many victims assume their partner will eventually come clean or apologize, but doesn’t happen often. As long as they aren’t confronted with proof, their partner won’t admit fault.
If their partner does discover the betrayal, they may experience guilt and shame. Even though they have been made to feel wronged, they still consider themselves to be worthy and innocent compared to the perpetrator. They will likely feel guilt for falling into the same trap that their loved one used against them. Even when they realize there was not real intention behind the incident, they will continue to feel sorry, fearful or hurt.
They are left wondering if they caused all the pain and anger their partner has shown them. If this continues, they begin thinking their partner does not want to let go of these feelings and forgive them. Or perhaps they tell themselves they deserve it since they “did something bad.” They convince themselves that they brought this on themselves. While this denial phase typically lasts a few months, some individuals carry it on for years or longer. For others, it never ends.
STAGE 2 – BARGAINING
In the second stage of betrayal trauma, you may enter the bargaining stage. While you may think you should be happy your partner admitted to being dishonest, you also may wonder if they weren’t really lying after all. Maybe they were just saying things to cover up, because now they realize the hurt they have caused. Maybe they were under so much stress and pressure, they couldn’t help it. Or maybe they genuinely thought what they told you was the truth.
It is important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. People make promises without fully considering what they are promising. People misinterpret situations and messages. However, you wouldn’t be surprised that your partner is not the first person who has ever broken a promise or exaggerated a story. There are many instances of other people doing this as well. After all, most people aren’t perfect. We are human beings. So why would an honest and trustworthy individual suddenly change and start behaving dishonestly? This thought is what may drive you to doubt whether or not your partner really meant what they said.
STAGE 3 – RESISTANCE
Once again your emotions take center stage. You may find yourself in resistance mode. This is when you try to reason with your lover to get them to admit they were lying. You want to know the truth. Your anxiety pushes you to think, if you know what happened, everything will be put back together and give you closure and resolution. Unfortunately, if your loved one refuses to acknowledge their behavior, it’s highly likely that you won’t be able to move beyond this point in your recovery process. They already know that admitting it will mean letting go of their justifications, which means losing face.
Plus, when the situation came up before, you did believe them in the end and accepted the blame because you wanted to protect the relationship. Now, seeing them lie to you and denying it only drives home how wrong they must feel inside. When resistance comes up at this point, it’s understandable you would feel anger. You may feel as though your whole life was built on a lie. It’s normal to feel this strongly, but at this moment it doesn’t serve a purpose.
The most productive thing you can do in this moment is to remain calm and accept. Don’t allow yourself to retaliate because fighting won’t resolve anything. And if you react in anger, you risk being overwhelmed by negative feelings and losing control once more.
STAGE 4 – RELIEF AND HEALING
The last stage is when you finally accept reality and heal. In this stage your mind begins to clear, you stop feeling angry and instead focus on the positive. You begin to see your relationship for what it is – imperfect but still beautiful and hopeful.
This will happen naturally over time, although you will experience setbacks on the way. When you have an emotional connection with someone, you’ll always feel guilty until they tell you the full story. In some ways, having gone through stages of betrayal trauma can be liberating. You might realize that you deserve better than to be treated poorly or that you’ve got to stick around and fight for it.
When we choose love, we often expect nothing less. The best relationships are based on respect and honesty, not resentment and manipulation. At this stage you realize you just dodged a bullet. If you hadn’t trusted the person who betrayed you, who knows what kind of awful things would have come up in your life.
HOW TO OVERCOME BETRAYAL
So how do you overcome betrayal or infidelity? Here are several tips to get you started:
1. Get to know yourself better. Find out why you were so trusting.
Think about what was missing in your life that made you vulnerable to an unhealthy relationship? Once you find the answer, start healing.
2. Focus on Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and NLP.
Research both modalities and learn about their history and how they work. Both are proven to help release pent-up emotions, such as anger, pain, guilt and other negative thoughts. These tools will help you manage stress more effectively.
3. Write down your fears and feelings.
Start journaling every day. This allows you to take your feelings out of your head and put it on paper where you won’t feel as scared or insecure.
4. Join a support group.
There are many support groups that exist for infidelity. Some offer free counseling through the internet too.
5. Practice self-love and self-care.
A good self-care regimen boosts self-confidence and keeps depression away. Spend quality time doing something fun for yourself. Go dancing, get a massage, buy yourself flowers.
6. Realize it’s not all about them.
Sometimes your partner may be acting out of desperation – they just want that one perfect moment with you. They may have felt inadequate without your approval. Or perhaps the relationship wasn’t working because you weren’t willing to make changes. No matter what happened, remember that nobody is perfect.
7. Reject shame and guilt.
People who cheat usually feel ashamed or guilty afterwards. Forgiveness is important, but don’t beat yourself up for following your heart.
8. Trust again. Once you’re healed, trust again.
If you have let go of shame, guilt, and bitterness, you should begin building new memories with someone else. If you feel your partner has changed, you shouldn’t hesitate to rekindle your romance. However, if there is any doubt, just wait until you see positive signs.
9. Keep moving on. Don’t dwell over your experience.
Just because of infidelity, doesn’t mean the relationship is completely dead. Don’t jump into anything too fast. Take your time and don’t give up control. You might think you’re ready to date, but wait a few weeks until you really know you’re ready.
10. Seek professional help.
Feeling depressed after being betrayed by your partner can last from a few hours to a few years. If you decide to seek counseling, find a therapist who specializes in treating betrayal trauma.
IN SUMMARY
Healing requires a lot of different steps. Remember that betrayal is a painful experience, but healing the trauma of betrayal will allow you to find the kind of love and healthy relationship you deserve in life.