BETRAYAL TRAUMA: HOW TO DEAL WITH MEMORIES OF AN AFFAIR
WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR PARTNER HAS CHEATED,
it is often instinctual to want to know all the details. You may press them for details or read all the text messages and infer meaning to each message. The problem with this is that later, as you are working through healing, these experiences may show up as flashbacks and intrusive memories.
Common triggers after an affair include being around your partner, not hearing from your partner, hearing your partner’s phone alert of a text message, or seeing your partner being consumed with their cellular phone.
Being betrayed by a partner can often be traumatic. Traumatic experiences can be followed by intrusive thoughts about the event such as images, thoughts and memories. Sometimes imaginative images from the affair can become intrusive.
This experience is often referred to as Betrayal Trauma and the diagnostic similarities are compared to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here are some ways you can work through overcoming these thoughts and memories that may be interfering with your daily life:
BE PRESENT
Practice simple acts of working to stay in the present moment. Be cautious about not escaping through food, alcohol, drugs or other avoidance tactics. Ways to be present include being mindful – noticing moments in your day where you focus on your 5 senses, which include sight, sound, touch, taste or smell. Other ways include yoga, breathing, and meditation. Even working to do just one of these things can help you stay present – and when your brain is focusing on the present it is impossible to be thinking about the past or the future.
JOURNAL
Write down things that you are thinking and feeling. The act of writing can help you gain clarity as to the ways you are thinking. It can be helpful in journaling, to be focusing on your belief systems about cheating or affairs (no relationship lasts, everyone cheats) and your core beliefs (I am unloveable, I am not enough) that may have been triggered from the affair.
ANTICIPATE TRIGGERS
Pay attention to what triggers flashbacks for you and try to find ways to avoid these triggers. As your healing progresses, work to develop coping skills for managing these triggers. Please remember, initially it is okay to avoid these triggers initially until you begin to develop more tolerance for the triggers.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Forgive yourself for not knowing about the affair. It is not uncommon for the cheating partner to blame the betrayed partner for the affair after it has been discovered. This is often a reactive response from the cheating partner as the guilt and shame may feel overwhelming.
FOCUS ON SELF-CARE
Pay attention to doing the small things that will care for your mind, body, and soul. Eat balanced and healthy meals, exercise for 20 minutes a day, take a class about something you want to learn, read a book, get atleast 7-8 hours of sleep. You know what you love to do. Do the things that help you feel good about yourself.
AVOID BRINGING OTHERS INTO IT
Sometimes it can be tempting to want to talk about the ways you are feeling hurt or are struggling. However, if you choose to work through the affair, your friends and family may not be as quick to be forgiving or understanding about their choice. Sometimes this lead to awkwardness or a loss of a friendship.
SEE A THERAPIST OR COUNSELOR
If you need to talk through the affair, it can be helpful to seek professional help. Sometimes it is best to talk with someone completely outside of your situation. While it may be tempting to want couples counseling from the get go, it may be best to work through some of your own intense reactions from the affair BEFORE going to couples therapy. Also, if you are meeting with a therapist who pushes you to do something you don’t want to do, seek different counsel. While we may have lots of education and training, it doesn’t mean we are experts on how you want to live your life.
Click here for more information on Betrayal Trauma Therapy.