COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO STOP INVALIDATING YOUR PARTNER

First, despite our best intentions we have to understand that at some point in our relationship we will hurt our partner’s feelings and invalidate them. This may look like being insensitive when you are having  a bad day or making an off-handed comment when they are not in the best head space. In unhealthy or toxic relationships, this behavior may not ever change as your partner may perceive their invalidating your feelings to be your problem. If validation is an issue in your relationship, continue reading to find out how to fix this.

It is extremely rare to find a relationship where only one person is responsible for all the hurt feelings and conflict. Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to have conflict in a relationship. When you invalidate someone, you make them feel like you a) don’t understand them or their feelings or b) if you do understand, you don’t care. The impact of the original invalidation will generally cause your partner to respond with either hostility or withdrawal.

In order to not invalidate feelings anymore you need to be self-aware of when it’s happening, and what you’re doing to cause it. This is the most challenging part because almost no one is intentionally trying to make their partner feel diminished or unimportant. And, if you call someone on it in the moment, they are likely to become defensive and protest that their intentions were good. In general, invalidation is unintentional. And you need to take responsibility for how our actions impact others. We all do.

Emotional invalidation comes in many forms and can happen in both subtle and dramatic ways:

Inattentive Invalidators:

These types of invalidators don’t pay attention when their partner is talking about something important.

Belligerent Invalidators:

Their motive is to offer rebuttal rather than listen. They put their energy into making their own case instead of seeing things from their partner’s perspective.

Controlling Invalidators:

These types of invalidators are extremely confident that their way of doing things is right and just, and will either intervene or undo things that their partner does in an effort to correct them.

Judgmental Invalidators:

These types of invalidators minimize the importance of things that they do not personally feel are interesting or important to them, in a way that creates disconnection in their relationships.

Emotional Invalidators:

The garden-variety Emotional Invalidator feels entitled to “disagree” with other people’s feelings or argue that other’s feelings are not reasonable. They also try to talk them out of their feelings.

Fixit Invalidators:

The Fixit Invalidator prefers to leap over messy feelings entirely and go straight to helpful solutions – having zero idea they are making things worse.

Owner of Truth Invalidators:

Finally, the reflexive “that’s not what happened” invalidators, who pride themselves on being rational and sincerely belief that their subjective experience is the measuring stick to all others. If it hasn’t happened to them, it’s just not a thing. This type of invalidator will often follow up their original invalidation by explaining how you, actually, are the one with the problem.

Understand the importance of validation. While the first step in learning how to stop accidentally invalidating your partner is to figure out what kinds of invalidation you are prone to, the second step is to learn what it means to be validating.

To validate someone means that you help them feel understood, accepted and cared for by you. It requires empathy. Empathy is understanding the perspective of another, even if you do not share that perspective. This is important in relationships because validation is related to emotional safety. Emotional safety is feeling like you are accepted and valued for who you are, your thoughts, your feelings, and your preferences are important to your partner. This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Also, think about any basic argument between you and your partner. 98% of the time the argument starts when one person feels invalidated by the other. When anyone feels invalidated, the natural response is to then escalate their efforts to be understood. When the invalidator doubles down on defending their invalidating response, the entire conflict escalates. Incidentally, if you have been perceiving your partner as emotionally reactive and unnecessarily hostile towards you, it could be an important clue that you’ve been making them feel invalidated without realizing it.

The final step in the process is to validate feelings intentionally. The real problem with changing your tendency to accidentally invalidate your partner is to wrap your brain around the fact that you are hurting the people you love without meaning to. Unfortunately, human beings are generally self-focused, but we can learn to be different.

If you have a genuine desire to want your partner to feel more cared for by you, it is possible to become more other-focused. It requires reminding yourself of your intention to be a good partner in moments where you have an opportunity to validate your partner. Being by being present when your partner is communicating with you. Then reflect back what they are saying.

·         Inattentive invalidators – need to stay present and use mindfulness skills to focus and not drift away.

·         Belligerent invalidators – need to find compromises that honor their partner’s feelings too.

·         Controlling invalidators – need to manage anxiety and trust in the competence of others.

·         Judgmental invalidators – need to work on generosity and respect.

·         Emotional invalidators – need to work on empathy and emotional intelligence skills.

·         Fixit invalidators – must make peace with the fact that all feelings are valuable, even negative ones.

·         Owner of Truth – can benefit from personal growth work that expand their worldview and learn listening skills.

Click here for more information on Couples Therapy.