DEALING WITH A PARTNER WHO DOESN’T WANT CHANGE

Does your partner complain about feeling unwell, but refuse to see a doctor? Does your partner make plans for a romantic evening, and then ruin it by being too tired? Does your partner make promises that aren’t kept? Does your partner acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a counselor with you?

If you answer “yes” to all or most of these questions, it sounds like you have a partner who either refuses or is not motivated to change. This can create problems that cause conflict, hurt your relationship satisfaction, and potentially destroy your relationship.

It is imperative that you find ways to address these issues with your partner and explore options that can help you cope and plan your next steps. Here is how to recognize signs that something needs to change, how to approach having this conversation with your partner, and what to do if your partner does not want to adjust their behavior.

ISSUES THAT DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP

The frustration of your partner’s lack of follow-through on good intentions, saying one thing and then doing something else, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship. This frustration can be heightened if your partner refuses to seek couples counseling with you.

What can you do when faced with a partner who has a serious problem or troubling behavior? Here are some examples of a partner’s behavior that could destroy or cause major friction in a relationship:

·        Doesn’t make time for the children and you

·        Emotionally or physically abusive

·        Frequently unfaithful

·        Gambling

·        Getting drunk often or drinking too much

·        Having a very negative attitude

·        Not able to hold down a job

·        Spending too much money

If your partner won’t change, isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, or won’t seek help, you may be on the path toward a breakup or divorce. There are no easy answers when your partner can see no reason for change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal-breakers. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate and still be emotionally healthy to yourself. That said, never endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.

HOW TO RESPOND

If your relationship is suffering, it is essential to start taking steps if you want to prevent an unhappy relationship from taking a toll on your mental well-being. Some ways you can respond that can help include:

·        Remember You Can’t Change Your Partner

It is important to accept that you can’t change your partner. You only have control over yourself and your own reactions. Changing your behavior may trigger your partner to change. However, it is not your responsibility to change your partner.

Begin by responding differently to different situations. If you have had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you haven’t expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your partner.

Sometimes, adjusting your own response to your partner’s behavior can shift the conversation in ways that are helpful.

·        Know Yourself

Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your relationship if things don’t improve.

Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your relationship, and to clarify your plans for your future.

Decide which of your partner’s negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal-breakers. Determine if you can adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your relationship.

Begin by rating the issues to determine how much that particular issue impacts you on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 equals the greatest severity. This will help prioritize issues and help you gain clarity on whether they are deal-breakers or if you are willing to compromise.

·        Face the Issues

Your partner may not be as unhappy and frustrated as you are in the relationship. When sharing your love for your partner, express your concerns and fears about the future of your relationship. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.

Talking about your concerns is not always easy, especially if it is a sensitive topic or if the problem has been simmering for a long time. The only way to change the situation is to tell your partner how you feel and then have a serious discussion about what you can do, both as individuals and as partners, to address the problem.

STRATEGIES FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

So how should a person approach the conversation where they ask their spouse or partner ot change? It is important to discuss the positive aspects as well as the things that are not working well that have led to the discussion about change. Consider starting the conversation with the things you appreciate about your partner. Then you can move on to talking about the things that cause conflict and provide examples of things that are challenging for you.

IF THEY AGREE TO TRY

After you have a conversation, the next step involves trying things to improve the situation. This might involve allowing your partner to make changes on their own. It is important to give your partner time to make a change, particularly if it is something significant. Change is more likely if your partner feels internally motivated instead of being pressured by external mandates.

SHOULD YOU END THE RELATIONSHIP?

At what point should an individual consider ending a relationship if their partner refuses to change? Ending a relationship is a difficult and personal choice. There is no simple answer, but there are steps you can take to help make the choice that is right for you.

·        Re-evaluate

If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your relationship issues, think about these questions:

o   Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your relationship?

o   What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?

o   What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?

o   What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?

o   What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?

Perhaps the greatest deciding factor is how willing your partner is to engage in the process of saving your relationship. If they won’t change, won’t make any effort to improve the relationship, and you’ve already explored other options, such as couples counseling, it’s time to consider ending the relationship for your own sake. If the relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling, despite your bets efforts, it may be time to consider ending the relationship and seeking out a healthier and more fulfilling one.