EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: 9 SIGNS YOU MAY BE HAVING ONE

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as other types of betrayal and can wreak havoc on both your relationship and your family. As humans we only have a certain amount of “emotional energy.” If you focus that energy elsewhere, it can start to have a detrimental effect on your relationship and your family.

WHAT IS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship.

Typically, an emotional affair will begin as a friendship. Some platonic relationships can morph into deep emotional friendships. When you find a person attractive or when you share sexual chemistry, you may find yourself pulling away from the relationship you have committed yourself to.

When the friendship starts there is no intention for these bonds to become anything more. However, the line is thin between close friendships and emotional affairs. Additionally, emotional affairs can quickly led to flirtation and sexual encounters.

SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

If you are not quite sure if you are having an emotional affair, here are nine signs that indicate you probably are:

FREQUENT CONTACT

Emotional affairs are usually characterized by a great deal of contact with one another. This includes spending time together and also having frequent contact with one another when you are not together. This could include communicating with this person at questionable hours. You may spend an excessive amount of time texting, emailing, or video calling this person. You may neglect your partner, family, and other obligations in order to maintain constant contact with this person.

FREQUENT SHARING

Emotional affairs are also characterized by prioritizing this relationship over other relationships. Even to the point where you confide in them more than you do your own partner. They become the first person you want to call with “news.” This may include sharing exciting news, or reaching out when you’ve had a bad day. You may not intentionally hide things from your partner, but the lack of communication will contribute to your partner not knowing what is going on in your life.

CONSTANT THOUGHTS

The person you are having an emotional affair with becomes the focus of your attention. This person may take over your thoughts. You may find that you have a difficult time concentrating on anything other than this person. You think about this person constantly, from the time you wake up, until the time you go to bed at night. You may even find yourself dressing in a way that this person will notice your appearance.

FEELING UNDERSTOOD

You believe this person really “get” you. You start to feel like they understand you better than your partner does. You may begin to feel that this person has more in common with you or that you have a lot of shared interests. This will sometimes lead to holding back things with your partner, which further degrades the intimacy, connection and communication.

INAPPROPRIATE SHARING

Emotional affairs may begin with conversations about work and other topics but they often shift into more intimate details about your life, relationships, personal issues, and sex life. The tendency of making yourself vulnerable while disclosing intimate details about yourself and your feelings deepens your attachment to the other person. You may begin to discuss very personal topics with this person, such as problems in your current relationship. You share all or most of your problems and concerns with this person. As you continue to do this you will become more discontent with your partner.

UNFAIR COMPARISONS

As you grow closer to this person, you may begin to judge others in comparison to them. You frequently compare your partner to this person.  You may start to get angry at your partner for not doing things like the other person. It also means you may start to look for mistakes and overemphasize your partner’s flaws without giving them credit for their strengths. These unfair comparisons could mean you overlook any negative traits in the person you are having an emotional affair with.

SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER

In addition to always being in touch with this person, you find yourself wanting to spend more time with this person. You find excuses to create reasons to spend time with them. You may stay out together after work or make plans on the weekends with them. You may find yourself making excuses to avoid spending time with your partner so you can spend time with this other person. You might experience “butterflies” any time this person texts, calls, or visits.

SECRECY

You start to lie or keep secrets. This includes lying by omission. Not only do you refrain from mentioning your talks, meetings, lunches, texts, and phone calls to your partner, you also takes steps to hide these communications. For example you may delete messages from your phone or deny the communication you had when asked. You are hiding things when you know that this behavior is not okay. Would you experience embarrassment if your spouse heard a taped conversation between you and your friend?

LESS TIME FOR YOUR PARTNER

Your partner gets less of you while your friend gets more. Whether it is less communication, affection, your thoughts, or your innermost world, your time and focus are taken from your partner and transferred to this person. Spending time with other outside your relationship and having emotional connections is not normally a problem. It is when your connection with this person takes over your life, interferes with your relationship, and becomes something that you feel like you have to hide that it becomes a problem.

SIGNS YOUR PARTNER IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

In some cases you may be the one worried that your partner is having an emotional affair without someone else. Some signs to watch for include:

·         Your partner spends a lot of time at work or doing things without you.

·         Your partner is careful to hide their phone and acts secretive about who they are communicating with online.

·         Your partner constantly talks about their close friend who they seem to share a special connection with.

·         Your partner starts to criticize you and compare you to their friend.

·         You partner seems to be drawing away from you and rarely shares information about their life with you.

IMPACT OF EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS

These types of affairs can seem like a vacation from your everyday life. You only get the best of this person, while they only see the best of you. You do not see them 24/7 which makes you unaware of their bad habits and their unattractive features. Your image of them is based on fantasy and an idealized persona, which will undoubtedly make this relationship very alluring.

Some ways that emotional affairs can affect your relationship include:

·         Betrayal and hurt

·         Damaging your partner’s trust

·         Damaged relationships with other family members, including children

·         Difficulty forming future relationships

·         Divorce

·         Feelings of guilt, shame and anger

·         Reduce self-confidence

·         Worse communication between you and your partner

If you think you may be having an emotional affair, it may be time to evaluate the state of your relationship with your current partner. Even when the emotional affairs do not cross into becoming physical, the impact can be just as damaging and put your relationship in danger. The intimacy involved in emotional affairs can have a degree of intensity deeper that a sexual affair because with a sexual affair you may not be emotionally invested.

HOW TO DEAL WITH AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

Emotional affairs don’t happen suddenly. They take time and effort to build. If you believe that you are engaging in actions that may be an emotional affair, there are things you can do to reestablish boundaries and protect your relationship with your partner. Avoiding emotional affairs doesn’t mean limiting contact with others or not sharing emotional connections with friends. These types of relationships are essential for social support and psychological well-being. Strategies that can help if you feel you are involved in an emotional affair:

·         Create boundaries: Establish and maintain boundaries or expectations for how you and others will behave in relationships. While it is important to have social support, be certain to focus on your partner and family.

·         Communicate with your partner: Talk to your partner about the details of your life, from events of your day to your personal feelings about different events in your life.

·         Spend time together: Set time aside to spend quality time with your partner.

Finally, consider talking with a mental health professional if you are struggling with an emotional affair. It may be helpful for you to understand why you are gravitating towards another person in your life.