GASLIGHTING IN BETRAYAL TRAUMA

Gaslighting is an attempt to convince another person that what the perceive, believe, think or feel is inaccurate or untrue. Any attempt to make a victim doubt their own reality is gaslighting. It is also abusive. The impact of gaslighting to a person’s brain and body is devastating. It can cause a person to doubt their own sanity. This type of abuse is insidious and often the victim will doubt their reality, thereby the abuse will continue for an extended period of time as the victim doesn’t even realize they are being abused.

HOW TO DISCERN GASLIGHTING

By its nature, gaslighting is elusive and difficult to pin down. In moments of emotional and psychological abuse, it may even be impossible for a victim to determine they are being gaslit. However, based on the following list of behaviors, if the victim is able to recognize and resonate with any of the behaviors, they may be able to determine if they are being gaslit.

·         You make excuses for your partner’s behavior to yourself, friends, and family.

·         You constantly second-guess yourself.

·         You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times every day.

·         You often feel confused or “crazy.”

·         Your partner tells you what you are really thinking and feeling, but they are wrong. They don’t believe you when you tell them the truth about how you feel.

·         You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you feel a sense of doom.

·         You sometimes lie to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

·         You think twice before brining up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.

·         Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day, make sure everything is just right, or think of the “good” reasons you have for not having done everything perfectly.

·         You have a sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed.

MANIPULATION AND THE TACTICS USED TO GASLIGHT

If you are in a relationship where there is consistent gaslighting, you are likely experiencing a significant amount of confusion. Three of the most common experiences are being lied to (whether through concealment or falsification), the crazy-making that comes with mind games, and feeling confused about reality.

Some of the common tactics used by abusive individuals to make their partner doubt their sanity include:

·         Redirecting responsibility by blaming you for the problems in the relationship. The roles in the situation are reversed – they become the “victim,” and you become the “offender.”

·         Discrediting your reality by saying the problems are your imagination or “faulty” thinking.

·         Saying you need OR dismissing the help you’re getting (therapy, coaching, support group, etc.).

·         Highlighting or criticizing your character flaws.

CREATING SAFETY FROM GASLIGHTING

When a person identifies gaslighting in their relationship, they may feel terrified and confused as to how to proceed. It is difficult to accept the reality that you are in an abusive relationship, however if your partner is gaslighting you, you are being abused.

You can protect yourself from abuse by setting and maintaining boundaries.

Some examples of boundaries around gaslighting include:

·         Recognizing that only you get to say how you feel. If someone begins to tell you how to feel, simply leave the room/area/conversation.

·         Set a boundary around communication in that insults will not be tolerated.

Only you know what boundaries are necessary to keep you safe from emotional abuse, but one thing is certain: you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Counseling for betrayal trauma can help you discover your boundaries around gaslighting.