WHY IS CHEATING SO HURTFUL? UNDERSTANDING INFIDELITY

Have you ever wondered if your partner would cheat on you? Infidelity has always been an unfortunate symptom of decisions led by complex emotions. Statistics indicate that cheating within intimate relationships is not specific to any gender, age group, or country. Why is cheating so hurtful if it is so common?

DEFINING INFIDELITY

Within relationships, a common issue that arises with couples is that each partner may define infidelity differently. In Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, she outlines three major definitions of infidelity: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotional involvement.

SECRECY

Secrecy is rooted in the idea that there is a reason why people tend to keep secrets, especially when it comes to cheating. As Perel describes it, secrecy tends to make us feel powerful or free. Have you ever heard the saying, “out of sight, out of mind?” Secrecy brings an allure to infidelity. Secrets can be exciting, but this is often a façade. This is because keeping secrets can be intensely emotionally taxing.

SEXUAL ALCHEMY

“Nothing happened!” Your partner screams as you notice their cheeks are turning red. Your heart races and you are stuck between pushing the conversation further or letting it go. Technically, your partner was “just talking” to someone else, as opposed to having any physical contact. Perel defines affairs that are both sexual and nonsexual in nature in terms of sexual alchemy. The idea of intimacy with someone else can be just as exciting and erotic than actual sexual contact. It is important to talk with your partner about the parameters in which you feel the line between sexual individuality and sexual alchemy lie. For example, is it okay for your partner to watch porn individually or does that feel like a breach of trust?

EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT

The third definition of infidelity is emotional involvement. Infidelity usually has an emotional component to it. This may be small but, when it occurs, there is an element of vulnerability. This vulnerability can align with how we understand the nature of a romantic relationship. For most couples, this becomes a major issue. There is often no clear line as to where or when this emotional involvement becomes too much.

WHY CHEATING IS SO PAINFUL: COMMON RESPONSES

One of the most painful elements of infidelity is when the affair has been discovered. When discussing the affair, it is not uncommon for the partner who has been cheated on to have noticed little red flags. They have often overlooked these red flags for a variety of reasons. These moments will be replayed over and over in their mind and feel a sense of shock that those moments accumulated into this life-changing event. The change from suspicion to certainty can feel like a shock to the system. Sometimes this shock comes with a tinge of relief. In other instances, it can destroy a person’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

SELF-BLAME

A common phrase when infidelity is discovered is “I should have known better.” This belief can help individuals to feel a sense of control in a situation that is most certainly out of their control. A common misconception is, if we can blame ourselves for the situation, then there is something we can do about it. In reality, the only person to blame for the affair is the person who made the decision to cheat.

JEALOUSY

“Jealousy is riddled with contradictions,” Perel writes in her book. That is why jealousy feels so complicated. It has become a norm within our society to correlate jealousy with love. This contradicts what love should be: to act and feel lovingly. Jealousy is the opposite of this, bringing us to a place of intense fear, anger, and disgust. When infidelity creeps its way into a relationship, we feel a sense of possessiveness. This manifests itself in the form of jealousy, making it difficult to maintain a logical grasp of the situation.

LOSS OF IDENTITY

Once the jealousy settles in, we often feel a loss of identity. “Who am I without my partner, the one that I thought was my person?” This brings us the next casualty of infidelity:  a loss of identity. Romantic relationships become such an integral part of our identity  that, once there is betrayal, it is difficult to look at the world around us in the same way. Life can be unbelievable or surreal. This identity crisis revolves around trying to understand the pain that comes with infidelity.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

After infidelity, it is common to receive unsolicited advice from friends or family. Some individuals have described this as the worst part of dealing with infidelity or a break up. During this time, the advice may come from a place of love and care, but can turn into a comparison of whose cheating partner is worse. Individuals take in information from others and begin to use phrases like, “I should be…,” “I need to…” and “it should feel like….” It is easy to lose sight of what is authentic to your own needs and emotions.

MOVING FORWARD

Infidelity is painful and complicated. It changes the way we view ourselves and the world around us. Redefining infidelity, what it means to us, and what it feels like can help us assess infidelity in a more productive manner.