HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY SEX LIFE AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE

Sexual trauma, abuse, and violence affects a huge number of people. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, nearly half of women and 1 in 4 men report having experienced sexual violence at some point in their lives. The Center for Family Justice reports that one in two trans-identifying people report experiencing sexual violence. Healthy sex after sexual trauma is a significant challenge, but it is possible.

Past sexual trauma impacts an individual’s view of sex for the future. If any of your experiences around sex trigger terror and confusion, how can you enjoy healthy sex and intimate relationships? No matter what roadblocks or difficulties you may experience, they are not your fault. You can heal and move forward to find healthy love and sex, no matter what roadblocks or difficulties you have experienced in the past.

ELIMINATING CONFUSION, CLARIFYING CONSENT

It is important to understand consent and the difference between sex and abuse. Knowing about consent is vital to help survivors of sexual abuse view their past experiences with clarity. When you have clarity, you will be able to recognize how your healthy desire for intimacy is a human drive.

Unwanted arousal during unwanted sexual contact has nothing to do with choice or healthy desire. Arousal non-concordance is when your body responded in a sexual manner to sexual abuse. This is a physiological response that is biologically built-in to your body – not a signal of desire, choice or consent. Arousal in no way means you wanted it or enjoyed it.

A healthy sexual encounter will include:

·         You have consented to the sexual encounter

·         Your brain is saying you want it because it’s free choice

·         It is likeable, pleasurable or enjoyable

MOVING PAST ABUSE TOWARDS SEX

Sexual abuse can trigger strong negative emotions linked to sexual desire or behavior for trauma survivors. Your brain responds to scary situations by going into fight/flight/freeze response – specifically the amygdala. This response is automatic and we are not able to consciously control this response. Instead, we have to feel differently when thinking about sex.

Research tells us that neurons that fire together, wire together. This means fear and negative feelings can become triggered – automatically “hard-wiring” to sexual responses because of past abuse. This is why trauma survivors may experience pain, disgust, discomfort during sex, or flashbacks from the past – even when they are safe with someone they choose in the present day.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR TRAUMA SURVIVORS

A healthy relationship based on love, compassion and caring, is a place where trauma survivors can begin to heal and learn positive ways to experience sexual pleasure, desire and consent. Safe and secure attachment within a relationship enables healing – which may allow you to enjoy sex with your partner. When you are in a committed and loving relationship, and your partner is aware of your past sexual trauma, you will be able to learn how to communicate what you need to feel safe.

When you are in a relationship that feels safe enough for you to ask for what you need – and know your partner will be respectful about that need – you can start exploring vulnerability and experience sex safely. Healthy relationships can grow when you and your partner both feel safe enough to express your needs and build trust with each other.

It is very important to know what you need to feel safe around sex and also important to be able to share this with your partner. Some needs include:

·         Choosing to have the lights on

·         Choosing to have sex in a certain place – or never in a certain place

·         Scheduling sex with your partner, so it’s expected

·         Leading up to sex with a routine you enjoy, whether that involves having a meal together or cuddling each other – something that helps build connection.

·         You being the one to initiate and your partner letting you take the lead and going at your pace

·         Asking your partner not to come up behind you, kiss your neck, or do or say certain things that may trigger you

You and your partner may need to experiment to find what works best for you. Your own preferences vary based on your unique experience. It is important to take time to figure out what you need to feel safe and to openly share these ideas with your partner. This will help your partner be there for you during sex, which will ultimately make for a stronger, more connected relationship.

WE MUST HAVE CONNECTION TO LIVE AND THRIVE

Human beings are wired for connection. Couples can be each other’s best co-regulators. If past trauma is preventing you from building a healthy, loving connection, there is hope for the future. When trauma survivors develop self-compassion, healing can occur. This is the road towards a healthy relationship with yourself and with others. This is also the route to experience a healthy sex life where you feel pleasure, safety and desired. Sex therapy may be helpful!