REBUILD TRUST AFTER INFIDELITY
AFFAIRS CAN UNLEASH DEVASTATING CONSEQUENCES
and is often cited as a deal breaker, beating out emotional unavailability and physical abuse. However, the reality is that more than half of married couples decide to work through the affair rather than separate. And, the reality of recovering from infidelity is that it is very difficult to work through hurt feelings, paralyzing guilt, and resentment.
1. HONESTY.
After discovering infidelity, it is vital that the injured partner feels heard and is able to list their grievances.
2. BEARING WITNESS.
Just as important, the adulterous partner must be accountable for their decisions and face the heartache and betrayal from their partner. Many unfaithful partners feel paralyzed with guilt, often seeing their affairs as irreparable and mistakenly urging their partner to put the pain behind them rather than take the time to grieve. It is important to “bear witness” to the pain from the betrayed partner.
3. A WRITTEN APOLOGY.
After the adulterer has listened openly to their partner’s declaration, it is suggested they write a statement of accountability about the affair. This will include a specific letter to prove they understand the sorrow they have caused. A miserly apology won’t be enough, as it only goes about a quarter inch deep. Additionally, verbal assurances and promising not to do it again mean nothing after an affair. This statement of accountability needs to prove to the betrayed partner that they have been heard and understood and also depict actions they are taking to prove they will not do this behavior again in the future.
4. AVOID CHEAP FORGIVENESS.
Sometimes the desire to salvage the relationship overwhelms the necessity to vent anger and wronged partners forgive before they have had a chance to seethe. This behavior is present for people who are more afraid of being alone than staying with an unfaithful partner. Not only does forgiving too quickly skip the healthy grieving process, it also sets themselves up for future infidelities by not forcing their partners to understand their pain.
5. SHARING RESPONSIBILITY.
Even in relationships where only one person has committed infidelity, oftentimes both individuals feel responsible. While the unfaithful person must own 100% of their guilt (because nobody forces us to cheat), but the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role in fostering an unhappy union, however minuscule. The betrayed individual must see how they had a hand in facilitating the loneliness or isolation that compelled their partner to have the affair. This will also go further in ensuring greater emotional intimacy in the future.
6. SETTING RULES.
It is suggested that when couples are recovering from an affair, they establish non-negotiable rules at the beginning of the healing process. Examples include, the wronged person can request their partner always answer the phone or acknowledge the call, even if they are unable to engage in a communication. Other examples include being able to look over their partner’s shoulder when they are on their computer or reviewing text messages or emails. While these may sound a bit overbearing or controlling, this power imbalance begins to ease the insecurity and mistrust that the hurt party feels, while also proving the cheating partner’s willingness to concede certain rights to privacy while their partner regains confidence and trust in the relationship.
7. REDFINE SEXUAL INTIMACY.
One of the greatest hurdles after an affair is redefining sexual intimacy, as it can of feel like there is a third person in the bed. The impact of an affair can lead to the unfaithful person feeling pressured to please their partner in bed; which may result in distraction and poor sexual performance, which compounds the hurt of the betrayed partner. They are already feeling injured and insecure, and their partner’s distraction is sometimes interpreted as lack of interest or physical attraction. It is important to remember that it does take time to rebuild physical intimacy after an affair. It may be important to create an ongoing dialogue of fears and desires that can lead to physical vulnerability.
8. IGNORE THE APHORISMS.
Challenge beliefs or assumptions when it comes to affairs. The phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater,” specifically needs to be considered as a dangerous assumption. Many adulterous individuals are either ambivalent about what they have done, or they want to know how to stop. There are individuals who will cheat again and again, but there are also individuals who cheat once and never do it again. There are red flags that may indicate an unfaithful partner is not willing to change their behavior, and therapy is a great place to explore these.
9. REALITY CHECK.
After an affair, it is easy to feel as though your relationship is uniquely dysfunctional. It is important to remember that the majority of long-term couples experience at least one instance of infidelity. While it may not feel accurate, couples who recover from an affair are often closer and more honest than they ever were before. Most relationships can benefit from some degree of trust-building and emotional closure, regardless of the event that leads to this realization.
10. LETTING GO.
At some point the betrayed partner must loosen the tight lease as their pain fades and trust grows over time. The onus rests on both parties to prove they are willing to put energy and effort into repairing their relationship. Rebounding from an affair takes time. The process may feel like a rollercoaster and it could take up to a year and a half to feel okay again. Progress can feel elliptical, where one week you both make leaps and bounds and the next feels like you are starting over. If you are both able to push through, you can emerge with a stronger relationship.
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